This feeling is only once in a lifetime, the first and only time, and it won't be the first time he sees her again.

1.

"I can't sleep well anymore," Xia Bingbing thought, struggling to lift the kettle on the stove and fill it with boiling water. She stood a little hard and her legs were weak. The hot air from the bottle made her thumb look like a skinned mouse, pink. The kettle was brought out from my hometown more than ten years ago. Shanghai dialect is also called "bronze sculpture", which sounds appropriate. The gaps in the ditch are crowded with old black and yellow rafts, and along the outermost layer of the mouth, there are uneven scratches scraped by steel velvet. Xia Bingbing hates the sound. Steel velvet friction bronze sculpture. As long as she thinks of that action, her scalp will be numb with electricity. Facing the stove, it is Zhou Shujia's old screen window, covered with black and yellow dirt. Xia Bingbing instinctively avoided these disappointing dirty things. She turned around, filled Zhou Shu's cup with ginseng tea, and then changed the water in the washbasin.

Why is it so hot suddenly? I don't give up day and night. Xia Bingbing thinks that none of them can really sleep well, although no one gets up at night. Just stubborn and cautious. The ceiling fan crunches and turns, no matter what, it still can't shake off the dust. It began to dawn early, and for Xia Bingbing, staring at the sunrise every day is the most desperate. That kind of fresh and exuberant frustration is more frustrating than loneliness at night. She really wants to get used to all this, so that she doesn't have to ask her about everything. It's a pity that she just got familiar with it and never gave up the idea of getting rid of it.

Even on a hot day, Xia Bingbing still likes to wash his face with hot water. Buried in hot steam, it is difficult to breathe with the temperature. Although there is no sadness at all, my eyes will still be inexplicably moist.

Zhou Lei doesn't live at home now.

It's always easier to leave first. He was the first of the four of them to resign. I don't know why, but after he left, Xia Bingbing felt a little comfortable, even though she had thought about not letting him go before. Uncle Zhou sold the sofa after he left. This sofa was originally brought back by him by mixing with molds. To this end, he also had a quarrel with Bingbing's mother. Actually, it's not his fault. He just collapsed and didn't share. It's Zhou Lei, who somehow slept on this broken sofa for seven or eight years. The house is really too small. No matter who is unlucky, they are in full view, but they are honest and have no privacy.

But after Zhou Lei left, Xia Bingbing was naturally careless. She doesn't care that much. Uncle Zhou always reads books. "I need two wet wipes to remove a bowl. What are we? " Speaking of which, after Zhou Lei vacates, Zhou Shu's mood has also broadened a lot, and occasionally she will open some dirty jokes with her, which is much better than the frowning mother. Anyway, Xia Bingbing's temper is firmly controlled by his confidence. He didn't mean to force her. He is just thinking that she can get some benefits from her father. Mothers are consistent in this respect. I haven't seen her for more than ten years, and she won't long for an old man's body, although she doesn't care about Xia Bingbing's disease. But Zhou Lei has run away, so don't indulge her too much. Xia Bingbing hasn't seen her so crossed for a long time.

Xia Bingbing was the happiest when he saw Zhou Shu come back after being cheated into prison, saying that he had not learned to act for so many years, and he didn't even pretend to be like this. When I asked him something, I jumped up at once, but it was mixed with determination. Xia Bingbing knew that her mother was buying it, although it looked funny. Zhou Lei can't stand his sissy arrogance and is too lazy to argue with him. This is probably the so-called enemy. You can't tell the truth to your enemy, even if you rehearse your eloquent words hundreds of times, you will still stick a dose of medicine when you meet. To paraphrase Bingbing's mother, he is a "rogue". What can you do to him? He always kneels on the ground with a runny nose and tears. If you can't stand it, he thinks he won, relying on gimmicks and accents.

After getting up, Uncle Zhou didn't brush his teeth, so he squeezed into the stove and took a sip of tea. Mimi smiled and said, "Hey, Bingbing, I was so sleepy and hot yesterday?" Xia Bing smiled coldly: "Uncle, what's for breakfast?"

"I want to eat salted cake. Two are ready, salty pulp. "

"Where's mom?"

"Hey? That's weird. I want to eat sweets again. Then buy cookies. Sweet pulp. "

"Where's mom?"

"Just buy Yi a salty one, and we'll eat together later."

2.

Summer mother gets up late every day, but she is still capable after getting up. She just doesn't have the habit of getting up early because she can't sleep well. Therefore, in the morning, it really belongs to Xia Bingbing. Every day when she goes out to buy breakfast, she walks around on purpose. She hopes that when she goes back, at least two people in her family will be fully dressed. Hot and humid nights often make Xia Bingbing feel pain, but she is not alone, because the two people lying beside her are equally painful. They are silently waiting for each other to fall asleep, tacitly spying on each other's movements until they hear any small sound to arrest people. Of course, some desires can't be heard clearly just by listening. At that time, Xia Bingbing wanted to move out, just like Zhou Lei.

But that's not why Zhou Lei can leave. He also paid a supplementary salary left by his mother before he got away smoothly. His mother, an overseas Chinese in trouble, was taken in by Uncle Zhou in her early years and gave birth to Zhou Lei. Now she has returned to China. The shabby house they live in now was left by Zhou Lei's mother. Now that the poor have been demolished and turned over, Zhou Lei has left an account. He said that if he left, his house would not move.

Everything in Xia Bingbing is in the hands of her mother. She has nothing to leave, so she is even relatively free. It's just that she doesn't know where she can go She thought that she had no property and wanted to reinvent herself, one by herself and the other by men. There are only two ways, but it seems too difficult to rely on yourself. By men, she has ... Thought of here, Xia Bingbing is always frustrated.

When she came home with a big piece of soybean milk, her mother had already got up. He shouted with a relaxed face: "Little darling, where did Nong go again?" I will starve to death if I come back so late. " There was as much sweat on her forehead as Xia Bingbing's, and she wore a silk dress with a hook, which was plump.

She took a cake and strolled back to the room.

"Hey, how can Nong eat my cookies?"

"Mama of, a piece of cake is waste, my home is finished. What did they miss from you? "

"Ha ha, I mean sweet, sweet is good, honey mixed with oil, honey mixed with oil."

Xia Bingbing turned on the tap and washed his face. Water is almost hot. It looks really hot today. It's noisy early in the morning. She sighed slightly, thinking that going out today is really a painful thing.

Uncle Zhou came out and got the sweet syrup. Soon, he put a vest bag on his wrist and went out to prepare for work. Xia Bingbing was about to enter the house, but he didn't want to go back and take her tea.

"Hey? Bing Bing, what is Nong doing in the kitchen? Ah, are you sick? "

"A little." Xia Bingbing quick way. As soon as the words came out, she regretted it and wanted to add, "It's a little ... spicy."

"Hey, little girl, Nong is not pregnant, is she?" Xia Bingbing was shocked, but the faint gas soon evaporated. She just glared at him in disgust.

Uncle Zhou slipped past her: "Uncle Zhou counts!" He squinted at her with a smile and said proudly, "We're going to incubate the air conditioner!" " "

Uncle Zhou has been working as a security guard in the printing research institute next door since he retired.

3.

When Xia Bingbing entered the room, she found that her mother had brought her clothes to wear when she went out. That's the sweatshirt and shorts she wore when she went to secondary school six years ago.

"Mom, this, I don't have shoes. I don't look like my white slippers or blue slippers. "

"Oh, hey, please, help the farmers with their shoes."

Xia Bingbing glanced under the bed. That is a pair of running shoes with a light green pattern on a white background. I didn't expect to find it for her

"Mom, didn't someone say to wear black clothes?"

"Black nong only muddy, I was also looking for red nong, is also a long time ago. As a result, my breasts are too big to get in now. What are you going to do when you are dressed so well? They thought you were doing well, so they ganged up and bullied you. I will help you say that I don't participate in their family affairs, but there is one thing, you must die, you know? Now that farmers are big, farmers think to themselves, who has been good to farmers for so many years? That old woman is really poisonous. She died neither early nor late. It's too hot. She wants you all to report it. Ok, let's go, hold an umbrella, and there are two cars to change, coming from afar ... yes, come back after eating! "

In the scorching sun, Xia Bingbing set out. When grandpa died in the first half of the year, she also took this route, so she was very confident. The old couple, one in the cold winter and the other in the hot summer, are gone this year. But compared with grandpa, Xia Bingbing is still a little sad this time. Only half a year later, it was not her father who informed her to attend the memorial service, but her father's girlfriend. The woman kept crying on the phone, saying that the old lady had committed iniquity and that her father was not at home and asked her to go with her.

This matter is absolutely "feasible" and "putting on airs" to the extreme in the eyes of Bing Bing Ma. She bombarded the woman they had never seen from a distance all night until midnight. Xia Bingbing heard clearly, and she also broke free from Uncle Zhou's flexible hands.

In fact, mom and dad are very similar, Xia Bingbing thought. Only blame her own weight is too weak, how can she compare with the one in bed? She knows, but she is sad that an outsider informed her of such a thing. Or, after a long time, it is necessary for outsiders to inform her next of kin.

The venue of the memorial service is not small, people come and go, enthusiasm is excessive, and some polite words are said, just like a rare party. The portrait of Anai hangs in the distance, smiling coldly. Anai is also the kind of person who looks pale and is not kind at all. The names of the small players are incomplete, and I don't know if they are really confused or fake. She often said, "It's good enough that I gave birth to you." Therefore, I can't blame those children who fell and looked at each other. Xia's family is well-off, with at least 20 peers, but more because of divorce, they are close to each other. Xia Bingbing has only a vague impression of them as a child. There is no shortage of uncles and aunts she recognizes, but they are all old. Many lonely old people are full of children and grandchildren, and she feels ridiculous when she thinks about it.

Xia Bingbing couldn't stand any longer, so he found a place to sit down and held back his uncomfortable posture. Through the window, she saw her own appearance, a little artificial, a set of six-year-old rags, containing a six-year-old her.

Intuitively, Xia Bingbing found something suspicious about a versatile character in the distance. She flew around the court neatly as if she knew everyone. The strangest thing is that everyone seems to know her. He looks good, but the sound of approaching and walking away sounds familiar.

"Hey, this is not ice ice! Bingbing really looks exactly like the photo ... even the clothes are ... the same. " Speaking of which, she accidentally ate a screw. "Ice ice, do you want to meet the leader of your dad's unit? Oh, he's not in Shanghai. He is very busy. I have just seen it. "

"If you have been there, I won't go." Xia Bingbing said softly.

You represent him, so who do I represent? Xia Bingbing thinks.

She went to Xia Bingbing's seat and snickered and said, "Bing Bing". "I just ran around, and I found that it seems that you are the only person in your family who is not buck-toothed ... you say yes, hey hey ... you say something ... hey hey."

Suddenly, there was a sharp eye on the opposite side. Xia Bingbing found her aunt and sister sitting opposite each other. But this aunt is not the one she was when she was a child, but a new one. She has seen the photos on the wedding invitation. The girl was still young, and Xia Bingbing saw one side of it for the first time, wearing a pair of steel braces.

She remembers that a long time ago, she was smart enough to sit beside her mother and attend the weddings and funerals of the Xia family. My father was very busy at that time, but they could represent him indisputably. After her parents had an accident, she had to come alone for a long time. Until now, she has been sitting with another person, and no one objected. Maybe she thinks too much about her feelings. Xia Bingbing followed her younger sister with braces and looked around. Sure enough, there is a girl in the distance. That's the sister she was willing to admit when she was a child. Although her teeth are not good-looking, Xia Bingbing guessed that she could at least understand her. I just hope she doesn't become what she is now.

4.

Xia Bingbing is the only young student who doesn't grin, because his father is the only one in his generation who doesn't grin. Zhou Lei is a little embarrassed, but Zhou Shu is not embarrassed. Is it the inheritance of the mysterious Zhou Leim's mother? Xia Bingbing was absent-minded. When he came home to report the enemy's situation, he was scolded by his mother.

"Said nong useless also useless. I don't remember anything. It' s really a waste of years to raise a donkey! " "Did he get the certificate for this woman?"

"Not sure. Say it's a girlfriend. "

"Where are they going to get married? Ah, in your father's old house? Or are you going to buy a new one? "

"Not sure. I heard that I am waiting for demolition. "

"Demolition? The threshold for women is a bit. This seems to be your father. What else did she say for you? "

"Nothing, just always pinching me and hooking my hand."

"Hey, really do it, do it for others. I'm telling you, Bing Bing and Nong are still going to find your father and ask him clearly. Your name is on the house, do you know? You disagree with them. They are not active. Go as soon as possible. When will he come back? "

"Mom, I have a stomachache."

"I still have a headache. Tell me about you. Oh, you can't do anything. What's the use of being a kindergarten teacher, being complained by parents, being a receptionist and losing the boss's things? You only know that you stay at home for free. I will still help you find a job. What should I do now? You ruined my station. "

"Ice ice, I help you say, if your dad moves the house with you, you will ask him for 300,000, not a penny less, you know? If you lose a point, help me out. When I first married your father, this house was divided by your grandfather. It is mine. Do you remember? "

"Well, 300,000."

Uncle Zhou brought a bag of peanuts when he came back. His face was covered with sweat the size of a soybean, which ran down the uneven folds of his face to his neck.

"Oh hey, you know, today's weather forecast is 40 degrees, which has never happened before. Are you hot? "

Bingbing wiped the sweat from her nose and said, "Nonsense, what did Nong buy? Just lick! " She got up and dug out some peanuts from the plastic bag in Uncle Zhou's hand and knocked them up.

"Zhou Lei came today," Zhou Shu glanced at Xia Bingbing, waiting for Bing Bing's mother to say.

"What does he want?" Bing Bing Ma asked.

"Look at me, no? Oh, just your baby daughter and my baby son, huh? "

"Nong help me turn off te, come on, I don't know you, did he give you money? I wonder why you suddenly got up in Le Hui. Give it to me. " Bing Bing Ma gave him a familiar white look and said to Xia Bingbing, "Go and serve food."

Xia Bingbing struggled to his feet and walked to the kitchen. From time to time, she will feel a little queasy, especially when she sees the table with fuzzy meat. Her face is oily, and the pores on her arms are swollen and sour. She struggled to lift the thermos bottle and filled the basin with water.

"Zhou Lei said he would go to Dongguan ..." Zhou Shu said.

"Do what? When migrant workers? The brain is broken. "

"He also asked hello, you and Bingbing."

"Oh, he has a little conscience. He went to the army, did what he had to do, and I helped him. What if his mother is a foreigner? I don't care about him. If he can carry it, he will honor us well in the future ... "

Xia Bingbing subconsciously turned down the cold water tap. Pull off the towel, gently squeeze out the water and lean against the bucket.

Bingbing? ..... Bing Bing?

Xia Bingbing suddenly turned around and found his mother standing behind her with a strange head.

"Go and put on a pair of pants."

"Oh." I realized something in a trance.

Both mother and uncle Zhou are quite proud of this meal. Their tacit understanding, in Xia Bingbing's view, is really a depressing picture of happiness. However, she always felt that it was not completely unimaginable that two seemingly congenial people suddenly turned against each other for money or something else.

Zhou Shu customers and help Xia Bingbing said a job to help people look after the store, saying it would be nice to go to work in autumn. He took care of her and generally told the truth. Xia Bingbing knows he's cheap, but he's not bad. There can be no friendship between father and daughter between them, and it is not a friend who forgets the new year. They are more eyesore than passers-by and have no hatred like enemies. But this is what kind of feelings, Xia Bingbing couldn't say for sure.

After midnight, the bell rang and Xia Bingbing's heart itched with familiarity. Until now, she has been unable to avoid such waiting and suffering. Accompanied by the sound of a high fan rotating and the friction between her body and the mat, she heard how her hand greedily slipped on another person. She can hear false prevarication, accompanied by the smell of toilet water, trance is silent flirting. The cicada screamed at the top of her lungs outside the window. They couldn't see her, but she could open her eyes and stare at the small squares of the screen window, looking at those unknown bugs and trying to climb in bit by bit. She can only breathe quietly at this time, because even a moving turn can stop the people above. Sometimes she doesn't want them to stop, even though the thought of each of their faces makes her sick.

After Zhou Lei's absence, she had to face such a night alone. She still remembers looking directly into Zhou Lei's eyes for the first time. It was also at night. He turned around from the collapsed sofa, and his hair was a little loose? The ground is twisted badly. He looked at her on the floor. The first time he saw such eyes, she was surprised and warm. Xia Bingbing felt that no matter what, in this world, no one would give her such bright and considerate eyes. This feeling is only once in a lifetime, the first and only time, and it won't be the first time he sees her again. Although she was only thirteen at that time, Zhou Lei was fifteen.

She thought Zhou Lei was the only person in this family who would be kind to her, and he once said so. But he finally left first. Maybe he's right.

Xia Bingbing often thought that if only I could die that day, the more he thought about it, the harder he worked. There is still a dull pain in the lower abdomen, and there is an unspeakable sense of collapse, as if to break free from her body. It was a part of her, but now she's trying to betray her.

5.

Xia Bingbing was struggling to get up when he got a call from his father. It was sultry in the morning, so she picked up the phone and limped to the kitchen ... As usual, she washed steel velvet, boiled water, washed her face and made tea. Trapped in the hot and humid towel, Xia Bingbing felt that he was about to melt and was burned by the hot breath.

At least the morning belongs to her She can do anything in front of them. They are unconscious and seem to have no feelings for her, regardless of her life or death. Not mother and daughter, not any man to get along with.

When I was going out to buy breakfast, my mother got up lazily to pee. As soon as she saw something, she immediately shouted, "Look at Nong, look at Nong, look at Nong, dirty, look at this place yourself ..."

Xia Bingbing lifted his trousers, quickly squatted down and wiped them along the ground.

"Nong took a rag and wiped the table. Oh, hey, what the hell were you thinking? You are in your twenties, and you fell down ... "

Xia Bingbing smiled and looked up and said, "Mom, Dad said to give it to 300,000."

Mom was shocked, brushed her hair for a long time and turned to the bathroom. "I know more." She dropped a sentence.

Xia Bingbing scrubbed the rag hard, blood splashed on her arm, and then simply slipped down.

6.

Father is getting married. Xia Bingbing saw two new pillows and a new quilt in his father's home. She suddenly had an impulse to sleep beside their bed and lay on the adjacent floor. It's just that it's not her familiar smell, not her familiar posture.

Xia Bingbing should meet his father at the bank. His father said, go home first. As soon as I entered the door, I saw my father dressed well and struggling to pull on his shoes with an inconvenient shoe. Xia Bingbing suddenly felt the urge to cry. She remembered that a long time ago, when she was really still wearing that childhood suit, she once came to her father's house to ask for money. When she left, her father asked her, Bingbing, do you have a fare? She shook her head, so her father looked down, desperately looking for money in his wallet, in his ass pocket and in the inside pocket of his clothes. Next to his cigarette case, there are gray preserved eggs and yellow 50 pieces, so they are conspicuously stacked side by side. But my dad is sweating all over, and he has to find her a 10.

At that time, she wanted to cry just like now. Because she is really not sure whether the person in front of her loves her or not.

Father said on the phone, this is the last time, and I can't ask for money anymore. This time, even her marriage was included. Now that he is getting married himself, he is not as rich as before.

Xia Bingbing said, "Hmm".

Father asked, "Did your mother ask you to ask me for it?"

Xia Bingbing said, "Hmm".

Father said, "I know you don't want it."

Xia Bingbing said, "... actually, I want it. "

Father said, "Well, go home when you are free."

Xia Bingbing thought, those words, if said face to face, both of them probably couldn't say it. But she's just guessing.

She saw her father coming towards her, deadpan, and suddenly hugged her again.

"Ice ice? Bingbing? Are you okay, how do you have blood ... "

"That's ... that's good. Let's go to the bank. You go back to rest early."

7.

On the day when Xia Bingbing regained consciousness, there was a thunderstorm in Dongguan, and one person died. She heard the news on the radio brought by her mother before her bed, and she couldn't help worrying.

Mother has always been grateful, but fortunately she fell down after drawing the list and coming home. After all, she can't afford to lose this person. But it doesn't matter if she thinks about it later. Times are different. All she wants now is for Bing Bing to marry someone as soon as she leaves the hospital. Uncle Zhou suggested finding a suburban county, having land and housing, living together in the city, and getting poorer and poorer. Besides, she can't find anyone better in her present conditions.

As for the steel velvet taken from the lower body, Uncle Zhou secretly told his mother, perhaps because he wanted it too much. Xia Bingbing later heard this sentence, and they said it several times, but she knew that Zhou Shu was not so bad.