Well, today I also talk to you about the "big misunderstanding that hinders emotional repair"-victim psychology.
Why can't I see your input?
Many of my students have said in private conversations:
"Teacher, now I have been changing the status quo. Just started to lose weight and learn to cook. If I try to do everything he wants, why did he choose to leave? "
Or: "Teacher, I begged him to keep it. I have a deep affection for him. I can't live without him. In my heart, he is more important than my parents. Why is ruthlessness one thing? " ......
Their words are full of helplessness and pain, highlighting their grievances and unwillingness. The direct source of this pain is: the abandonment of the other party.
However, when we put aside the subjective color and explore the deep logic behind "breaking up" and "refusing to get back together", we will find that in most emotions, emotional cracking is usually the result of the accumulation of many small problems.
How to save my marriage? When our concept sticks to the "main performance" of efforts and ignores the real problems behind the fruits of "breakup" and "compound failure", this psychological state can't find problems, can't solve difficulties, and only hurts. This is the so-called victim psychology.
It is this "victim psychology" that makes many girls ignore everyone's real needs for feelings. Although they have been working hard for each other, they can't get recognition and feedback from each other.
We can make a popular description: when the other person needs water, you try your best to find toast for him.
You can't correctly understand each other's needs, and ultimately only you are moved.
"The victim's logical thinking" pushes her husband further.
My student Green Lemon is a typical psychological case of the victim.
She is thirty years old, married in five years and has a stable job. What looks enviable is that she never thought that her husband had an affair and even explicitly asked her for a divorce.
When she first came to me for consultation, she gave me the first impression that she was "complaining". In order to better save her marriage, she kept complaining about her diligence:
I don't want to give up on myself, but I am very angry with my husband;
In order to better let her husband "go home", she just started to take on housework and learn to cook. ......
But her husband refused to make friends with her.
I asked her: he didn't want to eat takeout. Why doesn't he let you cook?
Green lemon said: it should be that my husband doesn't want to wash the dishes, because I cook, so I let my husband do it.
I asked her: Then what is the purpose of your cooking?
I want him to see my devotion and change, she said.
Under all normal circumstances, a wife cooking for her husband is an act of bringing the relationship closer and showing happiness.
How can it have the opposite effect?
In fact, this logical thinking of green lemon is a typical victim logical thinking.
Marriage repair center, in her eyes: I should cherish and appreciate the investment for you.
That's why the other party will come to this adjustment, but they are eager to get rid of the relationship and are unwilling to have a lot of contact with her, because they are always entangled and get deeper and deeper.
Only by knowing the real reason why the other person wants to give up his feelings can we solve the difficulty from the source.
After in-depth communication, getting rid of vicious incidents and in-depth analysis, Green Lemon admitted that what he had done was actually not approved. Therefore, although she has done a lot, she has not really changed. She felt even more wronged when the other party disagreed with her concession.
Besides, another root cause of all kinds of problems is that we can't communicate well for a long time. When we encounter problems, we often deal with them with the grievances of one side, and we can't face the problems directly, which leads to emotional cracking.
So I suggest that she change her mind and balance her investment in a way that her husband can accept, instead of satisfying herself by stipulating each other.
After discussion, I found that Green Lemon's husband was very interested in this film, so I suggested that Green Lemon pay silently. After several times, I suggested to her husband whether we could go to the movies together. Her husband hesitated and agreed.
Communicating and communicating in a way that the other party wants to accept is the basis for enhancing feelings and reducing differences.
Marriage restorers, they changed their communication skills. Before long, the relationship between them began to heat up more and more.