Every mother wants her children to be good children, but some children will become bad children in her eyes. Why do they become bad children? Parents who control their desires too much will force their daughters to rebel. The meaning lies in choice. Everyone is eager to make a choice for his life. This process of constant self-selection is the process of becoming oneself, that is, the process of self-realization. This is one of our most important life desires. However, too many parents have a strong desire for control. They don't respect children's desire for life. They are desperate to impose their will on their children and force them to live according to their will. However, no matter how strong parents' desire for control and control ability are, children's desire for life will not disappear, and it will be expressed in various unexpected ways. A very common expression is that parents force their children to "study hard", but their children have to "study badly". From the perspective of parents, this is called "rebellion" or "rebellion". But from the child's point of view, this is the most natural thing. Children do this not because "poor learning" appeals to him so much, but just to compete with the foreign will imposed on them by their parents, and just to show that I can still make choices for my life. Distress: I have a "bad" daughter "Can you tell me? Why did my daughter become like this? ! "At Guangzhou Mangrove Psychological Counseling Center, Aunt Liang, 48, asked Shu Youe, a psychological counselor, half sad and half angry. After asking, she gave her daughter a hard look, and her face was a look of hate for iron not to produce. Jing was dragged by her mother to see a psychiatrist. She is 19 years old, but she looks like 15 years old. She is small and speaks softly, as if afraid of scaring someone. Judging from her appearance, she is really as quiet as her name suggests. But in my mother's mouth, she is a bad girl. Liang Yi said that Jing was stupid and introverted, and her grades were not good since she was a child. "Come on. There is nothing I can do about intelligence and character. Although I am very anxious and concerned, there is nothing I can do. " Liang Yi said that what really made her angry was that her seemingly quiet daughter had been having accidents since she was a child. When I was in primary school, I was often cheated by my classmates or cheated to do ugly things. For example, some boys encouraged her to steal bicycles and sell them to everyone. Jing did it without thinking, and was caught. "I don't know how many times this scandal has happened," Aunt Liang said. "Every time it happens, I will give her a good lesson and repeatedly tell her not to mix with those gangsters, but she turns a deaf ear to my words and keeps mixing with them, willing to be used as a gun by them." Not only that, Jing began to fall in love from junior high school, and her ex-boyfriends were gangsters. Aunt Liang, like many mothers, opposes her daughter falling in love at such a young age, and even more opposes her daughter falling in love with such a boy. But in order to be with her boyfriend, Jing often cheated her mother and ran away from home several times. Hot article recommendation: five things that hurt feelings: six anxious marriages unique to women. How to prevent children from comparing with each other? Men are all flattering. Women don't like jujube porridge, which can improve insomnia and depression. Four factors aggravate the psychological preparation of depressed babies before going to kindergarten. Women's five sexual desires in bed can also lead to depression and cultivate their healthy psychology. Nine psychological reasons for Guo Meimei's showing off her wealth without reducing mental stimulation. More articles related to psychology >>& gt& gt Psychological common sense: Daughter aborted, mother committed suicide. Seeing that her daughter couldn't be stopped from falling in love, Aunt Liang lowered her request to the lowest point: Don't have sex with boys. However, "the more I worry about something, the more she seems to want to do something." Angrily, A Jing revealed that she had a relationship with her first boyfriend when she was 16 years old. What's more, Jing doesn't seem to have any sense of self-protection. She got pregnant soon and then had to have an abortion. In the three years since she began to fall in love, Jing has had two miscarriages. But now, she is pregnant again. "Why doesn't she cherish herself? Don't take care of your body? Doesn't abortion hurt? What on earth does she think? " Liang Yi asked like a barrage. However, Liang Yi herself doesn't care about her health. After her daughter got pregnant for the first time, in order to prevent her from falling in love, she stabbed her leg with a fruit knife and then ran into a car. She also threatened her daughter that if she still fell in love, her mother would jump off a building to show you. Finally, she signed an agreement with her daughter, making her promise not to fall in love for several years. Jing refused at first, but her mother threatened to die, so she had to agree. "As long as she is not with those bad boys, I can do anything." Wei Liang said. Aunt Liang's extreme tactics worked at first. Jing was frightened by her mother's self-mutilation and vowed never to be with her boyfriend again. But before long, she couldn't help falling in love again. Although her boyfriend changed, she was still the same punk role. The latest boyfriend is relatively the most competitive, but he doesn't have a regular job either. "How can I stand such a daughter? My face was lost by her! " With a strong personality, Aunt Liang, who runs a restaurant, said, "She has to do whatever I want her to do. I seized every opportunity to say that you want to be a good girl, but she only agreed on the surface. In fact, she has always been a bad girl. " After Aunt Liang finished talking about her daughter, Shu Youe asked Aunt Liang to leave the consulting room, because as a psychologist, she needed to have a one-on-one conversation with Ah Jing. "I also told Aunt Liang that I couldn't tell her my conversation with Ah Jing without her permission." Shu Youe said, "When I said this, Liang Yi was stunned, but she still expressed her respect for this rule." After Aunt Liang walked out of the clinic, Shu Youe asked Ah Jing, "When having an abortion, did it hurt much?" A Jing replied: "Yes." "Then why not protect yourself?" Shu Youe asked. "I haven't thought about it (protecting myself) and I don't know (how to protect myself)." Jing seems puzzled and replied. After listening to Jing's answer, Shu Youe recalled that on the one hand, she was vaguely distressed, on the other hand, she also had the same feeling of hating iron and not producing steel. But she immediately understood that Jing might be passive, and her mother was too strong. Jing can't consciously express her dissatisfaction with her mother, so she has to passively and subconsciously express her dissatisfaction with her mother. I'm just still hurting my body. This is obvious self-abuse. But the so-called self-abuse can be regarded as the mutual abuse between "inner parents" and "inner children". In doing so, Jing implied the logic that my mother said that she gave me her body, and she had control over my body, but I had no control over my body, so I didn't need to protect my body. Hot article recommendation: five things that hurt feelings: six anxious marriages unique to women. How to prevent children from comparing with each other? Men are all flattering. Women don't like jujube porridge, which can improve insomnia and depression. Four factors aggravate the psychological preparation of depressed babies before going to kindergarten. Women's five sexual desires in bed can also lead to depression and cultivate their healthy psychology. Nine psychological reasons for Guo Meimei's showing off her wealth without reducing mental stimulation. More articles related to psychology >>& gt& gt Psychological common sense aversion: home is just a castle. Shu Youe asked Jing to describe her relationship with her mother. A Jing replied: "I have no advantages, nothing is good." As for the mother who "does everything for her daughter", her evaluation is: "She is so rude that she just wants me to listen to her. If I don't listen, I will be unhappy. " And dad, Jing said, dad doesn't have his own opinion, and everything is on mom's side. "Dad is not thoughtless, just afraid of trouble and mother losing her temper, so everything follows her." Mother's strong desire for control made Jing very disgusted. Dad was so indecisive that Jing was disappointed. So, Jing always wanted to find warmth outside her home. Although those boyfriends are bad to outsiders, they are the only support for her emotions to Jing. "Home is just a cold castle. I just want to lock me up. Only with my boyfriend will I feel warm and happy. " Shu Youe understands that this is Jing's own feeling. She means that compared with home, she feels that her boyfriend has given her a lot of warmth. But from the bystander's point of view, the relationship between A Jing and her boyfriend is far from warm. For example, her recent boyfriend often hits Jing. Jing also suspects that she has other sexual partners. They often quarrel. If they quarrel badly, Jing will leave him in tears. However, before long, she will return to him. They quarreled many times, and so did Ran Jing. Her boyfriend never looked for her once, and Jing always went back to find her boyfriend by herself. And as Aunt Liang said, "The boys she (A Jing) is looking for are all bad embryos carved in the same mold." This raises a question: why are these boys carved in the same mold so attractive to A Jing? Her boyfriends are all bad boys carved from the same mold. When in love, some people like to find lovers similar to themselves, while others like to find lovers different from themselves. Whether to find a lover similar to ourselves or a lover different from ourselves depends on the consistency between our true self and our ideal self. Research shows that people who are highly consistent with their ideal self like to find lovers similar to themselves, while those who are highly consistent with their ideal self like to find lovers different from themselves. It can be said that when we are looking for lovers, we are all looking for our ideal self. However, people who have a low degree of coincidence between their real self and their ideal self will easily find it too difficult to realize their ideal self. Then, find a person who conforms to his ideal self, stay with himself all day, and even blend with his body and mind, as if he had realized his ideal self. Therefore, people who have great differences between their ideal self and their real self are easily infatuated. However, what they are infatuated with is not the real lover, but the illusion of their "ideal self" projected on their lover. Unless their own minds grow up and narrow the gap between their real selves and their ideal selves, they will fall into one spoony love after another, and the lovers they choose are all carved out of the same mold. Hot article recommendation: five things that hurt feelings: six anxious marriages unique to women. How to prevent children from comparing with each other? Men are all flattering. Women don't like jujube porridge, which can improve insomnia and depression. Four factors aggravate the psychological preparation of depressed babies before going to kindergarten. Women's five sexual desires in bed can also lead to depression and cultivate their healthy psychology. Nine psychological reasons for Guo Meimei's showing off her wealth without reducing mental stimulation. More articles related to psychology >>& gt& gt Common sense of psychology has not learned to build relationships with love and trust. They can easily please their boyfriends with their bodies, which is also the psychological mystery that A Jing chooses to fall in love with those "bad boys" again and again. In other words, the "bad" of the "bad boy" is actually a part of the ideal self. Her real self lacks those "bad" elements, so she is eager to establish close relationships with those "bad boys", as if in that case, she realized her ideal self. Aunt Liang herself admits that her daughter is not bad in nature, because she is always with those hooligans and boys. For example, Jing didn't take the initiative to steal the bike, but was cheated to steal it; Jing didn't get pregnant on her own initiative, but because she agreed to her boyfriend's sexual requirements. Jing also said that she didn't enjoy sex, she was just meeting her boyfriend's requirements. Because of this, Liang Yi tried to force her to death in order to cut off her daughter's contact with these bad boys. She believes that as long as this is done, Jing is still the obedient, quiet and well-behaved daughter in her mind, although she is a little stupid and not sensible. This is a kind of logic for granted. Liang Yi may not have thought that "going bad" is Jing's inner need. In other words, Jing longed for "going bad" and got rid of her mother's control in this way, but her mother was too strong to do it alone, so she fell in love with those "bad boys" and had them, as if she had the personality characteristics she wanted. She longed to be as free as a "bad boy", but her mother resolutely refused to give her daughter any freedom. What are the personality characteristics of those "bad boys"? A Jing herself concluded with Shu You 'e, "I have my own way and personality. I can do whatever I want, never trust authority and never listen to my parents." And these boys, like Otawa Jing, have parents who have a strong desire for control and are especially obedient before they become rebellious. "I long to be out of my mother's control like them, but I can't, because my mother is too powerful. I know my mother wants to die to control me, but I can't watch her die. " A Jing said. "I long to be like them", that is to say, A Jing's ideal self has personality characteristics such as "going her own way, having personality, doing whatever she wants, and never trusting any authority", but her real self does not have these. As a result, boys with these personality characteristics have a special attraction to Jing, which leads her to take the initiative to throw herself into the arms of these boys again and again. Although my mother threatened to die, although she was hurt many times, she never forgot about it. If she really wants to stop her infatuation with these "bad boys", the best way is for Liang Yi to voluntarily give up control over her daughter, at least stop controlling her daughter in those extreme ways and allow her to "go her own way". If the daughter really does this, she will grow up and have a brand-new, healthier and more harmonious ideal personality. At that time, she will know how to protect herself and cherish herself, and those "bad boys" will lose their attraction to her. But it seems hopeless. Shu Youe once asked Aunt Liang, "Have you ever considered giving your daughter a little freedom?" "Impossible, she is so disappointing!" Aunt Liang replied categorically, "I can only control her if I kill myself." When she said this, Shu Youe saw a proud expression on Liang Yi's face. Shu You 'e said that in addition to her strong desire for control, Liang Yi also has a stubborn logic: I did it absolutely for the good of my daughter. I must be right, all her shortcomings. When Shu Youe suggested that Aunt Liang change the way she treated her daughter, the powerful mother retorted as if she had been greatly stimulated: "Change the way I raised my daughter? Why? You have to understand that my daughter has a problem, not me! I brought her here to ask you to correct her problem! " Shu You 'e felt that Liang Yi had another purpose: to help her understand her daughter's thoughts, besides hoping that a psychologist would help her transform her daughter according to her own ideas. Jing refused to communicate with her mother and told her what she really thought. Liang Yi already feels that she can't grasp her daughter's psychological trend, so she hopes that the psychologist can tell her daughter what she thinks. Knowing what her daughter really thinks, she can control her daughter more perfectly. Shu Youe said, "This is an important reason why many people urge their families to see a psychologist." Hot article recommendation: five things that hurt feelings: six anxious marriages unique to women. How to prevent children from comparing with each other? Men are all flattering. Women don't like jujube porridge, which can improve insomnia and depression. Four factors aggravate the psychological preparation of depressed babies before going to kindergarten. Women's five sexual desires in bed can also lead to depression and cultivate their healthy psychology. Nine psychological reasons for Guo Meimei's showing off her wealth without reducing mental stimulation. More articles related to psychology >>& gt& gt Analysis of psychological common sense: The example of love = ideal self, A Jing, is not isolated. Shu Youe stressed that she has often received similar cases recently. "These cases show that parents who are too controlling can easily raise' bad girls'. Either the girl herself has become a so-called bad girl, or the girl who has been very obedient suddenly fell in love with the' bad boy', and no one can stop her. " Moreover, these girls all have one thing in common: it is easy to have sex with boys. There are two reasons: one is rebellion. Almost without exception, parents who have a strong desire for control are particularly worried, even most worried about their daughters having sex prematurely. Although these girls have always obeyed their parents' will on the surface, in fact, their parents' strong desire for control has seriously suppressed their psychological needs for self-realization, and they all have strong rebellious psychology inside. Then, once they really start to rebel, it is easy to do what parents are most worried about. It seems that only in this way can they really start to be themselves. Second, inferiority complex. Life is a process of constant choice. The more choices we make, the more colorful our life will be and the more confident we will be accordingly. The so-called self-confidence actually means knowing who you are, what you have and what you really are. This sense of value comes from the process of constant self-selection and self-realization. However, if parents are too controlling, children will be forced to live according to their parents' wishes. As a result, children have no chance to know themselves through the process of self-selection and form their own unique sense of value. As a result, children will deeply lack self-confidence. No matter how excellent he looks on the surface, he still has no confidence. Because this Excellence belongs to the will of parents, not to himself. This is a fatal inferiority complex, which will make a person feel empty, as if there is nothing. Therefore, when such a girl is in love, once she has an argument with her boyfriend, once her boyfriend starts to alienate her, she will panic, not knowing what value she has, and not knowing how to keep him. At this time, she will easily take out what she looks most valuable and what her boyfriend looks most concerned about, that is, her body. Shu You 'e said that this was the first time that A Jing 16 had sex with her boyfriend. At that time, the two had a quarrel. Jing wants to go back to that boy, but she feels that she is not cute at all. She couldn't think of anything to attract her boyfriend, and finally thought of her body. So she went back to her boyfriend and said, "shall I be your wife?" This is a common problem of these girls, because their parents have suppressed their independent space, and they have no chance to enrich their hearts, and often have no chance to learn to establish close relationships with the opposite sex in a trusting, warm and loving way. When they are eager to get close to the opposite sex, they will find that they seem to have nothing but their bodies, so it is easy to become very reckless in sex. Maslow, an American humanistic psychologist, said that self-realization is our highest need. Rogers, who is also a master of American humanistic psychology, said that the process of our life is the process of being ourselves and becoming ourselves. Italian preschool education expert Montessori said that we were born with a spiritual embryo, and we will make our own choices under the guidance of this spiritual embryo from an early age. Ji Bolun, a famous Lebanese poet, said that parents only gave their children a body, and they should not pretend to be their spiritual parents. However, too many parents consider themselves the spiritual parents of their children. As a result, they completely ignored the children's independent personality and forced them to accept their designs. In this way, the impulse of children to become their own lives is severely suppressed. This will eventually lead to two results. Otherwise, the child will be a person without self all his life. He has been used to obedient all his life, listening to his parents when he was a child and listening to other authorities when he grew up. Otherwise, the child will become a particularly rebellious person. His parents tell him to go east, but he goes west. 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