It turns out that teacher Lili gave me a meditation with the theme of permission. Originally, I also wanted to use "permission" to present this composition.
Permission itself still contains domination and control. Who gives you the right to permission? Of course, for yourself, only yourself. For others, you have no right, including your family, your children, all your things.
Wang Han wrote a sentence on the cover of his book "Taste", "Nothing is worth having and nothing is worth enviing". Yes, I am allowed, just for myself.
Before class, I took a nap on the lazy sofa on the balcony. The warm sun in winter, the floor heating at home, and the temperature are just right, so I put on a steam eye patch. This lunch break has promoted my sleep more and more. Yoga at two o'clock is almost in such a comfortable lunch break, so I just found a reason to put it off.
I pulled a muscle in my waist. The most comfortable time every day is when I lie down and rest. My waist doesn't have to bear so much, but my heart tells me that I can't lie down unless I have a rest, but I have to sit up and do things. Therefore, I allow myself to take a lunch break, but I don't allow myself to be lazy.
I got up decisively, took my yoga clothes and went out.
I entered the private classroom, changed my clothes and began to warm up. Today's theme is still regulating qi and blood.
First run mindfully, then lift your legs, and finally climb the mountain and run back and forth, breathing through your nose all the time without opening your mouth. After the first round, I was relatively relaxed. The second round, the third round ... about 15 minutes later, I began to gasp, running was ok, my legs could not be lifted, and the mountaineering run could not be carried out smoothly, and my mood became very anxious.
I am a person with strong internal drive and self-awareness.
Although the teacher didn't criticize me too much, I didn't gnash my teeth or have a long rest. In short, I allow myself to catch my breath or have a rest when I can't hold on, although this will weaken the effect of exercise.
I know that I have encountered another physical bottleneck, and this bottleneck seems to be more obvious when I am 34 to 35 years old.
It's hard for me to stick to it. After doing so many actions, it's getting harder and harder to follow my breath. I feel like I can't hold on any longer. The teacher encouraged me. Although I was weak in qi and blood, I persisted well.
In my mind, another idea began to hover. Why should I push myself like this? Comfortable is not good.
I don't know if I don't exercise, but when I exercise, I know more clearly that my body is going downhill and my mind is accumulating depression.
Give up halfway again and again, take a short break and start again, waiting for the teacher to say, ok, let's change the action.
From the time I graduated from college at the age of 24 to the time I was 35, I still had my own career, many of which were abandoned halfway, some things were persisted, and some things might not last two years later.
The only constant is change, and many people feel that they can't persist, can't persist, and can't persist more.
Chipa said that in the debate about "naked resignation", I might be the wayward naked resignation who didn't agree with a word. Finally, I found that I was going to be 35 years old, and I really didn't belong to the workplace. Put down this obsession. Even if I were given another chance, I might just be a guest.
So sometimes yoga is not about the body, but about the mind. In an hour of concentration and stretching, in one breath of sorting out and thinking, the premise is to allow you to have distractions.
Actually, I'm not 34 or 35 when I think about it. It seems that I haven't had intensive exercise for a long time since I went to college.
When I was a child, I was the one who ran in the first row, whether it was morning running or sports meeting. Although I have no expertise in sports, I am also a passionate person on the sports field. I hung out with a group of brothers in high school, and my favorite was NBA. Then I really learned some basketball skills, joined the women's basketball team, and even passed the ball and made a layup.
Of course, it is the strongest and most energetic youth. So, "I finally understand that it is too early to struggle", I told my yoga teacher with a smile. Of course, I also understand why Internet giants want to send outstanding employees over the age of 35 to the society. Another glamorous word is "optimization".
It's like practicing for about 20 minutes, feeling extremely tired, wanting to rest and having to insist. "I can do it, I can do it," I told myself over and over again when I was running mindfulness.
Finally, I heard the teacher say, "OK, let's change the action". Lie down, lift my legs, turn around ... slowly, I calmed down, focused on my movements, focused on my breathing, and felt much better physically and mentally.
In this process, I insisted and gave up, and finally I insisted, and finally I completely let go and slowly relaxed. Then the teacher said to me, "your inner strength is still not strong, you still have to learn to let go and let yourself go."
Yes, I have been holding a catty in my chest, and I will be 35 years old soon. I don't want to give up too early. When the opportunity comes, I feel that my physical fitness, interest and passion are not as good as before, and my age has reached a watershed. The whole person, like a frosted eggplant, can't get up.
I was surprised at the time. I didn't say much. I digested it all by myself, and then I shared with her why I was so depressed.
Every time I look inside, the memory in my body seems to be awakened. When I was a child, I was very cheerful and active. Now I still look like a "chicken baby".
But I still have many shivering memories, such as being suddenly beaten with a stick when I was disobedient, and being abused in the upper body, such as being kicked back by my family when I was sleeping soundly under a quilt.
As a child, I seem to be experiencing a white childhood. My parents love me, too, and do their best to provide me with education. Of course, in order to get rid of my family background, I studied hard and finally felt that I had changed my destiny.
But in the end, the body and mind will tell you that everything you have endured has never left you.
All the internal drive and enthusiasm may have been overdone at first, but now they are not excited. I have to remind myself not to work so hard, my body can't keep up.
Those beatings, shouts and threats really seem to be in my physical and mental memory, only to be awakened with physical and mental awareness. Therefore, everything has already been doomed.
Two years ago, once, I was angry with my children on a bunch of trivial things. I yelled at the children and became hysterical. In their eyes, I saw my mother. I suddenly became alert.
I began to decide to practice yoga to control my emotions. Sixty-five private lessons took nearly two years, except for the months of the epidemic, which averaged less than one lesson a week, but it completely cured me.
From the feeling of "spending money to find guilt" to the feeling of "actively spending money to find abuse", I already know that this road is not only a sport, but also a cure.
I will let the children kick the quilt at will when they sleep, and I will no longer be hysterical to them. I won't be rude to my children in my homework. As Haidian Peanut's mother said, I am kind and firm.
Although there are still times when you can't control your emotions, just stick to it. At the age of 35, I can still be brave and firm, and strive for peace!