What followed was that I became an incompetent mother.
This starts from my brother's first day home.
When I came home from kindergarten, I called my mother, but I didn't know how to face it. I missed him every day during my days in the hospital. I thought I was ready to be a mother of two children. Actually, I'm still a little uneasy.
You look at your brother and say that I like babies, and now I prefer boys (he always wants a sister).
But when I picked up my brother, I obviously saw your jealousy and loss.
In order not to make you feel that you have lost your mother, I decided from the beginning that both children would sleep with me.
On the first night of going home, I was weak after delivery and didn't have a good rest during the day. There was little milk that night, and Shuo Shuo was hungry and crying. I have been breast-feeding, and he sucks me more to produce enough milk. You put the baby down, don't hug him, he keeps me awake ... I'm so worried, I tried to comfort myself at first, and I kept shouting. Finally, I couldn't help yelling: You can lie down and sleep with your mother, but you don't want to sleep with your mother now.
I burst into tears.
Faced with two crying children, I was at a loss. I have decided that I will accept my emotions and spend time with him to accept my brother. And I got this on the first day. ...
The next day, when I came back from kindergarten, I caught a glimpse that I was holding my brother and nursing. I turned my head to one side and didn't call my mother. I am very sad and distressed. I can understand his loss. I want to save him as soon as possible and let him know that I still love him, but there is nothing I can do. When I went to bed at night, I kissed you and said good night to him. He turned his back on me and didn't respond. I asked him if he wanted to kiss his mother, and he said no, and then added: I love you even if I don't. My heart is sour.
After two days like this, I always felt that I was separated by a layer of glass, and I always felt that I could not touch him. I know, he saw the intimacy between my brother and me, and he was not sure if he still loved him. Without companionship and hugs, how can he believe that his mother loves him?
What followed was that Yan Yan's temper skyrocketed, shouting if she didn't agree with a word, crying if she didn't like it, and hitting people when she was angry.
I put up with it.
Then, there is a growing uncooperative: "Wash your hands to eat" and "Don't wash or eat"; "Hey, it's time to brush your teeth and take a bath" "I don't want to brush my teeth or take a bath"; "Hey, it's dawn, get up and go to kindergarten", either pretending to sleep or rolling endlessly in bed. ...
I still put up with it.
One day, when I came back from kindergarten, I had been arguing with my parents and grandparents because of the problem of wiping my nose. I refused to blow my nose or use a paper towel, so I wiped my face with my sleeves and made it red and blue. Not only that, I kept shouting: no paper towels, no paper towels!
I finally couldn't help calling him into the bedroom (I was in bed and Shuo Shuo slept next to me).
"blow your nose!" Pass him a tissue.
"no!"
"no!"
"no!" At the same time, he hit me in the leg with seven components.
I hit him back in an instant, hitting him in the arm with eight components.
You burst into tears and shouted at me: You are a bad mother! You are a bad mother! Whoa, whoa, whoa ...
I sat on the bed, calm face, don't know what to do. I reached out and touched his shoulder, and he threw himself into my arms and held me crying. I also hugged him tightly, and all kinds of emotions accumulated in my heart for many days were released.
I cried in my arms for a long time. It seems that we all need such a way to break the separated glass and reconnect it. After you shouted "You are a bad mother", it was much easier.
Yes, I used to accompany my mother every day, but now I hold my brother every day; He Miaomiao, who used to touch every day, has now become his brother's exclusive "rice bowl"; I used to ask my mother to play with me and tell stories in time, but now I am always rejected: wait for my brother to sleep, wait for my brother to finish drinking milk, and wait for my brother to stop crying. ...
At these times, children will feel unloved. In the child's mind, the mother at that moment was bad mother.
I don't deny or defend.
In fact, since he was a baby, he felt that he had two mothers. The mother who came to hug him when he was crying and fed him milk when he was hungry was a good mother. Is bad mother can't respond and meet his needs in time. Every mother can't appear in front of the baby in time every time, so we all have two identities, a good mother and a bad mother. As the child grows up, he will find that a good mother and bad mother are the same person.
The child's expression only represents the present. He said I was an incompetent mother, and it was only at this moment that he expressed his dissatisfaction. If you get angry and hurt, or tell your child more why I didn't satisfy you at that time, or even quote what I did for you, there is really no need to prove that I am a good mother.
In fact, as any kind of role (parents, partners, children), we all have good and bad sides, because we can't always meet anyone's needs, and there will always be places where the other party is dissatisfied. Admitting that you are "bad" is a sign of maturity.
The more you can admit your own "bad", the more you can accept the "bad" of others, whether parents or children.
What would it be like if I didn't admit that I was an incompetent mother?
Maybe I'll try to please you, because I feel I owe him. This will increase children's sense of control and will not use their abilities constructively. He will learn to manipulate me with his temper. As long as he plays the "bad mother" card, I will immediately cater to him and satisfy him, because I am afraid that I am a bad mother.
Maybe I will suppress him, deny him, say that his mother is working hard now, say that his mother has done everything for him, say that he should be able to play by himself when he is so old, should be sensible, should understand his mother's difficulties, and should ... I say this, the child will feel guilty and twist his hand. On the one hand, he doesn't know how to face his unfulfilled wishes, on the other hand, he denies his demands and wishes "should not".
So I accepted that he called me "bad mother".
After Yan Yan continued to say that I was a bad mother for some time, he became more and more calm, lost his temper and cried less and less.
Before going to bed one night, I told him: After having a younger brother, my parents and grandma may be busy sometimes. Many times, they can't go back to Angelababy in time, can't play with you and can't meet your requirements, but this is not your problem. All Yan Yi's demands are good, and there is nothing that should not be met. Yan Yi doesn't deserve to be loved. It's an adult's problem. You asked me happily: Really? Are all my requirements good? I said yes, whatever you want.
In fact, I'm really glad that you can shout out "You are a bad mother", "You just accompany Shuo Shuo instead of me" and "Who will play with me". If the second child is "ripened", that is what I don't want to see. You are just a child, and I hope he is just a child. Don't "grow up overnight" just because your brother was born.
And I accept "I am a bad mother" frankly. Once Shuo Shuo was crying, and I couldn't hold him for the first time. I picked him up and told him that my mother didn't come in time to hold Shuo Shuo. What a terrible mother. Hearing this, the girl on the side said, no, mom is a good mom. ?
See, this is the child, don't be the virgin, allow yourself to be bad mother, the child's favorite mother.