Let's talk about what a long-term and stable relationship needs first.

1 emotional perception ability

Recognize, accept, tolerate and manage your feelings, and express them in words as much as possible. It also includes the ability to perceive and respond to other people's emotions and feelings.

2 communication skills

Communicate your emotions, thoughts and feelings appropriately, and listen to and understand the feedback information.

3 Self-cognitive ability

What is the real self like? Have a comprehensive and rational understanding of yourself. Show yourself clearly, frankly and directly, let the other person know you, know your bottom line, and establish a flexible intimate relationship.

In order to avoid it, these three points need to be improved and strengthened.

Avoidance grew up in a family lacking emotional ability, such as avoiding contradictions, unable to solve them properly, and having depression and frustration. In intimate relationships, because there is no perfect emotional link, no in-depth communication and conversation, most of them stay on the surface, without opening their hearts, discussing problems, feeling needs and ideas, lacking emotional intimacy, covering up emotions, feeling emotional burden, lacking passion in relationships, and lacking desire to see each other.

1 In daily life, a partner can guide him to avoid being aware of his thoughts and feelings and encourage him to speak out. For example:

"What do I want?"

"I (don't) like what? Why? "

"What am I interested in?"

"What are my strengths and weaknesses?"

"What do I feel at the moment?"

As long as you say it, no matter how unconstrained, you are encouraged to recognize him. Make him feel that his heart is concerned about you. At the same time, I also realized the importance of being concerned in my heart (emotional neglect led me to think that expression is not important).

For partners, it is necessary to cultivate firm and confident expression skills. You need to be able to control your anger and express it clearly in an appropriate way.

"I don't like being stood up If you cancel the next meeting temporarily, please inform me in advance. "

Instead of questioning/denying as follows,

"You don't love me, do you?"

"What's the matter with you? I don't want to go shopping with you anymore. "

Speak your true thoughts in good faith. At the same time, take care of each other's feelings. For avoidant attachment, their greatest need is to be recognized and afraid of not being accepted. Therefore, expression requires skill. For example,

"I don't like curly hair, but I think it's not so weird that you perm it. A little cute. "

"I think you 1 or you may be busy if you don't reply to text messages for two hours, but you will be very upset and worried if you don't reply all afternoon and one night."

Avoid emotional expression,

"This hairstyle is so ugly!"

"Are you dating someone else? Why didn't you reply to my message? "

Listen carefully and make sure you understand what the other person is saying.

Avoidant is not good at words, in fact, he will hesitate/think before speaking. Try not to communicate too fast by avoiding it, or you will be the only one to talk, and you should guide them to talk more.

"What would you think if this happened to you?"

"The last song you listened to was originally from xx band?"

"The town you went to last week seems to be closed?"