2 ........
Once, I had dinner with my friends in a restaurant. We sat there waiting for the waiter to serve us. After a while, a beggar brought a bowl to my friend's back and touched it gently, imagining that he wanted money. My friend was chatting with me, thinking that the waiter had brought the meal, so he didn't look back and took the rice bowl in the beggar's hand and put it in front of him. We were all stunned at that time, and the beggar wanted to cry more (even if he was killed, he wouldn't think that someone would rob him of his job) ~ ~ ~
When I was in college, one of my buddies met a beautiful woman on campus. It was love at first sight, and every day he was very emotional. One day at noon, I went out to eat with him, and a beautiful woman passed by. My buddy immediately pulled me behind and saw a beautiful woman enter a noodle restaurant, and we also sat in it. I advised my buddy: "Senior year, hurry up ~" So he got up the courage, stepped forward and blushed and asked: "What's your name, classmate?" The beauty looked at my buddy blankly: "My name is beef noodles." Dude was stupid, and I was laughing!
Tong Tong asked his mother, "Why do you call Mr. Jiang an ancestor?" Mother said, "Because' ancestor' is the name of the deceased."
Tong Tong said: "Will those dead grandmothers be called' fresh milk'?"
A brother in the past dormitory suddenly sat up at 4 am and shouted, "Get up quickly, you are late for class!" " "Then two people immediately get up and wear good clothes. I was playing pc at that time.
One night, I ate my favorite bitter gourd, and she said, "XXX (my mother's name), make me a bitter gourd, and you are dead ..." At that time, she probably yelled loudly. My mother, who slept in another cupboard, heard it. The next morning, after she interrogated me angrily, she gave me a crazy meal ... which can be said to be hanging me. ......
A classmate went horseback riding during the day, was still excited at night, and then fell asleep. We play cards. After a while, the man said, drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! Drive! ! ! ! !
A classmate likes to smoke while defecating. He just came out of the toilet and said to us loudly, "Ah, it's so cool to smoke and shit." He is dizzy.
Before 10, the first sentence when I returned to the dormitory was always "Did someone call me?" ...
1 1 Once, my roommate and I bickered in the dormitory. He said he couldn't beat me and called me "you are my grandfather's son!" " The whole dormitory 1 second is silent and then laughs wildly!
12 ate something bad once when I was a child, and wrote a sick note to the teacher the next day: "Teacher, I ate something bad yesterday and my stomach was upset. I got up in the morning and threw up. . . "Cold, I don't know what the teacher thinks.
13 Once I had dinner with my cousin at home, I accidentally poured the soup and ran out of tissues. Cousin shouted: "hurry up, hurry up, get the toilet paper, get the toilet."
14 things at the same table fell to the ground, so I bent down to pick up my partner and stepped on it with my foot. Unexpectedly, I became angry as soon as I stepped on his hand: "Dare to step on my foot? ! "
15 in high school, the classroom discipline was chaotic. In a rage, the teacher picked up XXX and said, XXX, stand on the wall for me! ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ The whole class suddenly caught a cold ~ ~ ~
16 A foreign teacher once showed Mandarin in a lecture in a big classroom. I wanted to give him a face and praise his standard of Putonghua, but it became your standard when I said it. It is so common and cold that everyone laughs at me.
17 and MM are in front of the stall selling soybean milk fritters. I shouted, "Boss, I want a bean paste." MM smiled.
18 Even the high school Chinese teacher said in class: You are the result of a dead cat meeting a blind mouse. . . Full of laughter!
19 When I was in the third grade, a classmate invited us to dinner on my birthday night. When I got home, I said to my mother, "Mom, my classmate invited me to dinner today!" "
There were many people in the restaurant, and I shouted: Boss, a pepper without seasoning. . . . The waiter also loudly repeated: 1 1 table, add a pepper without seasoning! ! ! . . .
2 1 I: That's our physics teacher. . .
Classmate: What do you teach?
Me: Chemistry. . .
My mother said to me before going out to play mahjong, "You put all your clothes in the refrigerator and put all your dishes in the washing machine."
On the 23rd, I went shopping! Suddenly I saw a crow croaking in the sky! Then a word popped out of her mouth: "alas, this frog flies so low!" I feel dizzy
I always make such mistakes ... because I talk too much.
When I read a text in junior high school, it was XX wandering in the corridor, while I read XX debauchery in the corridor ... The teacher blushed.
In high school, I went out to play with my classmates. There is a China Everbright Bank next to the school, which has just opened, so the brand is still hung with red cloth ... But the cloth is hung on Chinese characters, blocking the words ... I read it as "China Everbright Bank" ... The students are crazy with laughter, and I can't hold my head for several years!
A person in our dormitory drank too much urine and then brought out a cold saying: if you drink too much urine, you will drink too much wine. ..
26 once I listened to the radio, what was the shopping guide hotline? Someone called in and the host asked him, "What's your name?" "
He replied, "Don't take your name! ~~~~~"
Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.
Give grandma a quick reply: A few days ago, you were sitting on the bus and the driver of 252 suddenly braked. Your center of gravity is unstable and you rush out and ask the driver, "What can I do for you?"
Dear students: Although the instructor is really busy, when you see me in the toilet, please don't say to me, "Instructor, you are so busy, come to the toilet yourself!"
It was very hot for 30 days, but the school was out of power. From day to night 10, our girls' dormitory is very quiet, everyone enjoys the cool on the balcony, but the boys' dormitory is very lively. After a commotion, the boys seem to have reached a certain understanding, only to hear organized cries from the opposite corridor: "scream, scream, we are going to scream!" " About 10 minutes later, the school actually called, and there was a cheer from the opposite side, and the dormitory area became calm.
It was not until the evening 1 1 lights out time that the boys began to shout neatly, "delay, delay, we will delay!" " The school, which has always been harsh, unexpectedly agreed to the unreasonable demands of this group of people and extended the call time for the first time.
Just as we were about to have a rest, something happened that I will never forget. Perhaps the boys were too excited, because the two of them usually impossible requirements were actually realized by the school, so there was a more organized and magnificent voice from the opposite boys' dormitory, .............:
"Women ... women ... we want women! ! ! "
3 1 tigers don't send cats, you think I'm dying!
My friend asked me about the computer configuration, and I said that the monitor is a color screen. (I was going to say LCD)
33 classmate's high school classmate (a boy) walked into the noodle restaurant, cool, and shook his hair: "Boss, no onion rice noodles!" " After that, I added: "More rice noodles!" Boss: ". . . . Do you want rice noodles or onions? "
34. Once my classmate's mother called me in the dormitory.
I am used to saying "he is not in", but this time I want to say "he is out"
The result is: "He's gone ..."
35. In high school, everyone has a name tag. . Before a physical examination, the class teacher ran to the classroom and shouted, put on your bra and come to Zara. . The audience was silent. . .
36. Once my uncle saw my sister-in-law wearing a big treasure and suddenly shouted, "You have such good skin, why do you still use soothing treasure?"
37. A classmate of my dormitory's high school classmate called. He said who to look for, I said I wasn't there, and then he said thank you.
38. In the past, others came to menstruation's house and just entered the door. It happened that my aunt was going to the bathroom. She quickly greeted the guests and said, "Sit down, sit down, I'll go to the toilet and pour you some tea!" " "
39. Our company has a car to go to work in the morning because the car is not big. On one occasion, a mm got on the bus without a seat.
Hello, a male colleague sitting next to me stood up and greeted her warmly and said, "So-and-so, sit on my ass!" " "I laughed to get off ~!
40. When I was in college, a classmate quarreled with me and was at a disadvantage for a while. In desperation, I got up and shouted: You talk nonsense, I'm not stupid!
4 1, a buddy of mine went on a blind date. When he came back, everyone asked him how he was. The buddy said: This girl is really rough. At noon, they walked into a beef noodle restaurant. The girl said loudly to the master: Hey, pull two bowls for Lamian Noodles's master and say: Do you want to eat? I eat and pull.
When I was a child, popsicles and ice cream were generally sold by pushing bicycles. Once, I heard an aunt shouting in the house: New ice cream is selling well. (It is estimated that Auntie used to sell fried dough sticks. )
43 once, the leaders of the Education Bureau inspected the exercises between classes. After the end, the PE teacher should have announced "dissolution", but in a hurry, he forgot his words and held back for a long time, shouting "retreat!"
44. When I was in college, I went to Hengshan to play. I was halfway up the mountain. When I am tired, I want to have a rest. Seeing Obasan buying souvenirs by the roadside, he went up and asked, "Wife ..."
45. During the self-study class, everyone was watching the review. GG said to MM, "I just finished reciting the words, help me write them down." MM doesn't want to be silent, GG asks her, you (touch) me, (touch) me! ! As a result, MM couldn't stand it, shouting, teacher, you see I don't want to (touch) him, but he insisted that I (touch) him ~ ~! ! !
46. One day I went to my classmate's house for dinner and drank some wine. Her father suddenly came in. He wanted to call uncle, but he made a mistake and said, "Dad, come and sit down!" " ~ ~ cold! A bunch of classmates laughed to death.
47. My colleague had a quarrel with someone and opened his mouth in a hurry. "Do you think I grew up eating?" I've always wondered what he grew up eating. "
48. When I was in primary school, a very annoying boy asked me to borrow an eraser. If I don't borrow it, he will pester me and hit me. Then I shouted with all my strength, "I won't marry (borrow) you." At that time, the students immediately calmed down.
49. Once I ordered a song at ktv, a mm shouted loudly: Give me a stick to cut "Double Jay" every week. ......
I spit on your face!
5 1 I went to work this morning to catch the bus. When we arrived at the platform, the bus had already left. So I had to chase and shout:
"Master, wait for me! Master, wait for me! "
Then a passenger leaned out of the window and said to me, "Wukong, stop chasing."
A customer ran into the tailor's shop angrily.
Pointing to the fashion designed by the shopkeeper for him, he said, "I stood on the street corner yawning and two people put letters in my mouth!" " "
A primary school student participated in the school recitation competition for the first time. He was very nervous. The teacher encouraged him for a long time, but his palms were still sweating. It's finally her turn. Pupils gritted their teeth and walked a few steps to the center of the stage: teachers and classmates, the topic I recited was: Red leaves are crazy (maple leaves are red) ...
I am still a primary school student, and I am particularly envious of my classmates who are assigned by the teacher to read the composition. I always hoped that the teacher would let me read it. The opportunity has finally come.
So-and-so, read your composition to everyone!
Pupils stand up: "My teacher". Teacher, I look like your mother. ......
This time I am an unskilled host of a song and dance troupe.
At a performance, I hurried on stage without being ready. The performance takes turns. It's her turn to announce the curtain call: Audience friends, please listen to Du Zi flute next. ......
My family often plants green onions in pots in winter to keep them fresh and tender. My sister saw it when she came home for the New Year, and said to my mother with joy: Hey! Mom, this is so rude ... Mom and I both laughed.
57. A neighbor named Auntie goes to work by bike every day. I met her at the door early in the morning. I smiled and said politely: grandma, big class ... bah! ..... I want to bite off my tongue.
One day, my classmate anonymous felt sorry for himself and suddenly turned to the person behind him and said, is my chest hair good-looking? Startled, he said, oh, I want to ask if my eyebrows are fierce.
When I was a primary school student, I made a resolution at the general meeting of the whole school: I should learn from the revolutionary spirit of the Red Army and deprive me of my right to political speech for life!
When I was 60 years old, my father told me that there was a paragraph about Liu Hulan in the Chinese book. When Liu Hulan voluntarily admitted to the Japanese that she was trying to save the life of the whole village, an old man stepped forward to save her. The line is: Alley, are you crazy? ! But in the era of * *, a poor rural child read aloud: Little madman, do you smell good?
6 1 In high school, the teacher asked me to read the text at the same table. This girl has always been famous for her vivid reading. On that day, she also read aloud with her textbook:
..... He clung to the sentry in the snowstorm, clutching a steel gun in his hand ...
What we hear is that .....
..... He stood guard in the snowstorm, holding a pen tightly in his hand. ......
..... There was silence in the class, the teacher fell down with laughter, and then the classmates fell down. ....
Everybody stand up! Play the national flag and raise the national anthem. ...
I take my son to feed the ducks. He ran after the duck while scattering bread crumbs, and I ran after him with his apple (he didn't like it, so I had to take a few bites when he was distracted). He kept running, and I kept calling him: Come and eat an apple and chase the duck! I kept repeating this sentence, and finally I shouted it out: Have a bite of duck ... and then put on the brakes skillfully.
I remember when I was in primary school, there was a text called Waterfall. In the middle, it is said that the author turned a mountain and saw a waterfall hanging in it. When one of my female classmates was reading aloud, she also read aloud emotionally: I was shocked when I climbed over this mountain, and there was a rag hanging on the mountain. . . The whole class was stunned.
There is also a passage from a Russian writer's novel: all the houses here belong to the lords (referring to the rich).
As a result, one of my male classmates read aloud: All the houses here belong to old men. As soon as the voice fell, our Chinese teacher asked him doubtfully: Where do the old ladies live?
The most classic thing is that I once watched Tao talk about his embarrassing event as a host, and never said that the opening ceremony was a curtain call ... What made me gush most was that he said that when he was hosting a party, he calmly walked up and said affectionately: Friend, have you seen the Yellow River? Do you know it is our mother river ~ ~
After deeply introducing the Yellow River, he said, let's listen to the song of the Yangtze River.
Once I was driving, the female colleague sitting next to me suddenly asked, "Why don't you wear a condom when driving?"
68. Going home at the weekend, I became addicted to cigarettes after dinner and planned to go for a walk under the pretext. When changing shoes at the door, my father asked me why I wanted to go. I said, "Go have a cigarette!" . As a result, my father found a pack of white generals from me and gave me a good K.
In computer class, a classmate shouted when there was something wrong with his machine. "Boss, change the plane!"
Once I went to McDonald's to buy a sweet bucket, and finally it was my turn. I can't wait to say, "Give me two rollers!" " ".I didn't expect the waiter to say to me loudly; "Two rollers, four dollars! " .
7 1 I met a long-awaited girl who came out of the bathhouse and wanted to befriend her. For a long time, I choked and said, "Are there many men in your bath?" .
A teacher played mahjong all night. Seeing that the blackboard had not been wiped, he was furious: "Who will make trouble in the village today?" Don't clean the blackboard! " .
The teacher asked me to do my homework. If I can't do it, I'll copy from others. Then I go to the office to hand in my homework. I saw the teacher say, "I copied it!" " " .
On the day of driving test, a gentleman was particularly nervous. The examiner embarrassed him and asked him to park his car where there was a fire hydrant on the side of the road. This Curtis said nervously, "Report the fire hydrant. There is an examiner on the roadside. No parking!" " " .
When KFC just produced the best popcorn, an old lady ran to the waiter and said, "Give me the best diced chicken." Laugh to death ~ ~ ~ ~
In the Internet cafe, a classmate suddenly raised his hand and shouted, "Teacher, help me turn on the cheater."
In order to commemorate him in the future, we always shout at the teacher at the physical education class: "Master! He cheated while driving! "
Buy oranges, boss: 1 yuan 5 1 kg. Me: It's too expensive, five yuan and three Jin. Boss: no, no.
Eat 78 a day. . .
"Rice, why hasn't my lady come yet? Hurry up. "
79. Just now, when I was reading this post, I was eating a cream cake. The gg next to him suddenly said, can you eat peas like this without growing cream? . . Sudden cold
In the internet cafe, I wanted to get off the plane and check out, so I shouted, "Boss, stop the plane!" " "
8 1. junior high school art evening, rushing to answer questions.
Hostess: "Attention, everyone, don't grab it too fast." When I finished, I began to raise my hand. "
Then he began to look at the topic and said, "Now. . . "
At this time, a player scrambled to answer.
The host said: "This classmate is a little too anxious. I' started' (shit) is still in my mouth, why did you rob me? "
That smile under the stage:)
Ann called rice. When the classmates came back from Xi 'an and entered the restaurant, they shouted, "Boss, bring a bowl of rice!" " The boss is cold!
After dinner, he shouted: "stationmaster, check out!" " "
84. One day, a friend went to KFC, and the salesman smiled and asked him what he wanted. My friend said, give me a Spanish chicken roll!
At a literary evening, the host came to the stage and announced: Please enjoy Xinjiang song and dance-hold your head up! Creepy! ! ! ! !
In math class, the teacher asked everyone to give two parallel examples. She has been answering "desk" all her life. Just as the teacher was about to say yes, she added, "There are drawers ... a desk with drawers." The whole class laughed.
The other party didn't hear clearly, so he asked the person next to him. The man said, "She just said a drawer and a table" ... and smiled again.