Xiao Ming's quotations:

Life is a mistake, followed by a wrong practice; Go the wrong way, that's right.

On the influence of parent-child relationship

From the perspective of behavioral genetics, we talked about Freud's breastfeeding for children and the influence of defecation training on children's gender identity. These are just theories and assumptions, which can't meet the scientific standards.

Since Freud, because of his influence, many scientific studies have begun to involve the relationship between parents and children during breastfeeding, which has some influence on children, even lifelong influence.

There are many researches in this field, but none of them can meet the scientific standards. You often hear some wonderful remarks in China psychological circle. For example, "being born in a family determines your life"; Unfortunate childhood needs a lifetime to heal. These are all good slogans, but they have no scientific basis.

The influence of social relations on people

Everyone pays special attention: in psychological research, especially in clinical psychological counseling research, people pay special attention to the influence of relationships on people.

Relationships do affect people, but Freud's psychoanalysis school attaches importance to the influence of family relations on people, and they ignore the influence of social relations on people, while Marx directly puts forward that people are the sum of social relations, not the sum of family relations.

The reason is very simple, because people will enter the society after all, and people depend on society to decide who they are, not because of family.

For example, I once treated a rich second generation. He is at home. He is just like Jia Baoyu. So think about it, does the interaction between his family and him determine who he is?

Family can only determine his role and position in the family, but after entering the society, can his role and position in the family be moved to the society? No, that's why social relations can determine who you are, but family relations can't determine who you are.

Why does scientific research think that the influence of society on people is the first?

People will eventually go to society and decide who they are by social standards. For example: inferiority complex. A child feels inferior at home, but if he gains self-confidence in society, he can also solve the problem of inferiority caused by his lack of self-confidence at home.

If a child is confident in the family, but he feels inferior outside the family, then he also feels inferior, because only society can decide who he is.

The influence of situation on people

More importantly, excessive psychology, especially psychological counseling, exaggerates the influence of relationship on people and ignores the influence of situation on people.

In the Internet age, big Internet companies pay special attention to the influence of situations on people. They don't pay attention to the influence of relationship on people, but pay attention to the influence of situation on people. Internet companies call the impact of this situation on people a scene.

For example, WeChat created a red envelope scene during the Chinese New Year, which led countless people to like to send red envelopes in this way. Why? The reason is simple, because this is the influence of the scene on people, not social relations.

If we want to pay attention to the psychological impact on people, we usually only know family relations, which is too limited. We should abandon some wrong ideas in the past.

People's performance in society is mostly determined by the overall social relations, that is to say, the first thing that affects us is family relations, the second is social relations, and the third is situational effects.

When it comes to situational effect, it is something that countless psychological counselors completely ignore.

What is situational effect?

For example, if I call you on your left, you will definitely turn your head to the left to see me. This is because the situation has affected you. If I call you above you, you will definitely look up, so which direction the sound comes from determines where your head turns.

In other words, people are often influenced by situations, not by certain relationships.

Xiao Ming's quotations:

People get basic anxiety about life from the news every day to replace their inner anxiety about the future, which is a magic weapon for mental health and delaying aging.

For another example, we are not afraid to see tigers in the zoo, but I tell you that in the wild, as long as you hear the voice of tigers, your legs will immediately go soft, which is called situational effect.

For another example, many of us learn to drive, including simulated cabin training used by airlines for pilot training. Training in operating various buttons and operating the whole process in the simulated warehouse is very valuable for process training.

But for real driving and real flying, psychological quality and psychological experience can't be simulated and trained. No matter how well you do in the simulated training cabin, you have no pressure.

But a little pressure, a little danger and a little misoperation in real flight will immediately produce a strong psychological stress reaction. And stress reaction will lead to a series of operational errors.

Scenes and situational effects are a key point that many psychological counselors have completely ignored in the past and now.

Psychologists used to think that if a person is a personality disorder, he should be a personality disorder for 24 hours. That was not the case. Personality disorder is not all-weather, and many patients with personality disorder perform better than ordinary people in social and workplace life.

Only when certain conditions and opportunities are met, such as when he is particularly close to you, will he show personality disorder; He is just an ordinary professional relationship with you. You can't see that he has a personality disorder.

On the contrary, these people with certain personality disorders perform better in their careers than normal people. Because they have excessive efforts, excessive responsibilities and excessive ability to have some contact with people.

The same is true of mental patients. Many people think that mental patients are in a 24-hour mental state, but they are not. Mental patients are not always sick. They get sick according to different time, different conditions and different scenes.

So when we talk about a person's personality, don't easily think that a person's personality is stable. People have very obvious situational personality, which is what Jung called personality mask.

Family relationships can't affect life.

The most typical example is that many people find that children behave differently in kindergarten than at home. Children may behave differently at school and at home; The performance of others in the workplace is completely different from his performance after returning to China.

In the past, I often had a misunderstanding among some psychological counselors. They think that the so-called giant baby-like cultivation of the family and the so-called excessive doting on children will definitely destroy them.

That was not the case. I have seen many cases. When these people come home, they don't care about anything, they are completely spoiled, like completely incompetent people. But in their career, as soon as they enter the workplace and leave home, they are mature and sophisticated to an extent you can't imagine.

Therefore, many ways of raising the family simply cannot determine the final performance of this child.

On the contrary, some children do everything at home. You look normal, but they are all timid when they enter the society. You can't imagine. This is the situational effect.

In the past, many counselors always exaggerated the influence of family on people. They always have a habitual idea that a person's performance at home will determine his performance in society.

Actually, it's not. Many people who behave in a mess at home are even very dependent, and they don't wash their underwear when they go home, so that their parents can wash them until they are big. After he went out, he was very experienced in the workplace and professional places.

In social life, he can do everything by hand, and he is very active in doing anything outside. He may never work at home, but he is spoiled, spoiled. But he can suffer all kinds of hardships outside.

Most of these children with particularly good family conditions have received too much attention, care and care from their families. Taking these and taking care of your family as your social performance means that you don't understand the influence of the situation on people and the effect of the situation.

# Scientific Truth # Most psychological counselors in China are trained by Freudian theory of various traditional schools and are overly superstitious. So what is the most serious consequence?

That is, parents spend all their efforts and energy on how to raise their children in the family, but forget, ignore or even give up how to help their children outside the family and cultivate their better growth. This is the key.

(To be continued, this article is taken from Xiaoming's micro-course Behavioral Genetics, in which 1%)

Xiao Ming's quotations:

Family relations can affect our performance in the family, but family relations can't affect our performance in society.