Go to supermarkets, fast food restaurants, coffee shops, movies, hot pot, KTV, ocean, amusement parks, moving and surgery alone.
I don't know how far you can stand.
Of course, some people may say, "I have done all these things." I am a lonely person. I can stand loneliness. "
But please note that eating, shopping and living alone does not mean loneliness, which only shows that you are good at being alone; If you return to the familiar social circle, you can still get together with friends and stay with your family.
Really lonely people are afraid of socializing, close their hearts, unwilling to communicate with others, and unable to establish normal interpersonal relationships with others.
This kind of loneliness is harmful, because long-term self-isolation will reduce people's mental health.
So, how can we get out of this lonely state? The answer lies in this book.
The author of Out of Loneliness is Austrian psychologist alfred adler. He, Freud and Jung are also called the Big Three of Psychology.
Adler worked with Freud for a while, but later parted ways because of differences of opinion. Subsequently, Adler started his own business and founded individual psychology.
This book is the essence of Adler's thought. In the book, Adler elaborated the causes of loneliness in detail, and gave the guiding methods to get out of loneliness. After reading this book, you will know how to get out of loneliness.
Next, I will divide this book into three parts to explain the essence of this book.
First of all, you will know what loneliness is; Secondly, you will understand that the root of loneliness is inferiority; Finally, you will know how to get out of loneliness.
After studying, you will re-recognize loneliness, slowly open your closed heart and establish cooperative relations with others, so as to get out of loneliness.
Start learning now!
0 1 What is loneliness?
20 18 statistical bulletin on the development of civil affairs shows that in 20 18, the number of single adults in China exceeded 200 million, including 77 million adults living alone.
In view of this huge lonely group, many businesses smell business opportunities, and the economic industrial chain of "lonely economy" comes into being and grows day by day.
What is a "lonely economy"?
Simply put, it is a variety of social services customized by businesses to meet a person's requirements.
For example, in the past, everyone had to invite several people to eat hot pot, but it was very inconvenient for people who lived alone. Therefore, some merchants have introduced mini hot pot, so one person can eat hot pot.
Gradually, mini KTV, small gym, customized travel for one person and so on have gradually become the mainstream.
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It can be said that as long as you want to do something alone, you can find the corresponding service.
With the appearance of this phenomenon, the word loneliness has been mentioned again and again. Many people feel that it seems lonely to do these things alone.
This makes us have to think about a question: does it mean loneliness when a person does something?
If Liang Wendao answers this question, he will definitely say no. Because he often goes out to eat alone, but he never feels lonely.
Ma Jiahui often lives alone and writes during this time, but after writing, he still wants to return to normal social life.
There is a difference between loneliness and solitude, and solitude is also good for us.
For example, after working all day, you may just want to lie on the sofa and have a good rest first, and don't want to cope with the extra social life.
At this time, if a friend still calls you and asks you out to the party, you actually refuse.
Sometimes, you may have to prepare for the qualification exam or make a review of your work, so it is necessary for you to be alone.
Therefore, a person living alone, or a person eating hot pot shopping, may not be lonely.
So, what is true loneliness?
The author puts forward such a definition: behind loneliness is hostility to the crowd.
We can understand this sentence like this. If you do something alone, you don't feel any problem, but feel free, then you are not alone.
But you are forced to do something alone, because you can't find someone you can trust to cooperate with you, then you are a lonely person.
In other words, your heart has erected a barrier to isolate yourself from others. So you can't integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others.
For a simple example, people like criminals, alcoholics and suicides are actually extremely lonely people.
Because when they encounter problems, they don't want to ask for help or establish a cooperative relationship with others. They only care about their own success, and they are unwilling and unable to integrate into society. Adler thinks this is an important reason for their failure.
People with good social phobia are actually lonely people. Although they seem harmless to others and society, they are hostile to others at heart and cannot establish cooperative relations with others.
For example, a good person in the workplace would rather be wronged than refuse a colleague's request, because he is afraid that his colleague will hate and reject him after refusing.
They regard the people around them as a scourge, and as long as one accuses them, their hearts are anxious.
Therefore, not only loneliness is called seclusion, but also the loneliness in the crowd is biting.
This is the explanation about what loneliness is. When a person does one thing, it doesn't mean loneliness. True loneliness refers to the inability to integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others.
This form of loneliness, even if you are in the crowd all day, you will still feel out of place with the team and society.
Why do people feel lonely?
Adler believes that lonely people are people who cannot establish cooperative relations with others. Then, if you want to find a good medicine against loneliness, you must first find the crux of loneliness. Why do people feel lonely?
In Adler's view, people have all kinds of negative emotions because of their inferiority complex. In other words, loneliness is caused by people's inferiority complex.
What needs to be emphasized here is that everyone has inferiority complex, which is a very normal emotion.
We can understand inferiority complex in this way, which is a person's dissatisfaction with his own state. It is because I am not satisfied that I want to make up for my own shortcomings and pursue a sense of superiority that transcends myself and reaches an ideal state.
For example, a babbling child will feel powerless after seeing the adults around him speak freely, so he has a sense of inferiority and drives him to pursue superiority and learn languages, so that he can communicate freely with the people around him.
For another example, social psychologist elliot aronson grew up under the aura of her brother.
My brother is smart and cute, and he is very popular with the whole family, while aronson is stupid and dull. Even my father was worried that he would accomplish nothing in the future before he died.
Despite his elder brother's background, aronson is very sensitive and self-abased. However, driven by inferiority complex, he strived for superiority and wanted to be as good as his brother, and eventually became a great social psychologist.
Moreover, all civilizations have developed on the basis of inferiority.
It is precisely because of human ignorance and full expectation for the future that we will strive to explore nature and the universe, and science will be born and developed.
Therefore, we can draw a conclusion that every step taken by human beings is actually to overcome inferiority and pursue superiority. The two complement each other and are the driving force for human beings to surpass themselves.
Speaking of which, you may be confused again. Because it stands to reason that inferiority is not a bad thing, but can be a catalyst for growth and efforts. What does loneliness have to do with it?
This is because a sound sense of inferiority allows us to work hard, establish contact with others, seek help from others, and constantly pursue Excellence.
However, a strong sense of inferiority will lead us astray and lead to inferiority and superiority. It is these two kinds of complex that prevent us from establishing cooperative relationship with others, so we will feel lonely.
Inferiority complex and superiority complex are important concepts in Adler's individual psychology. Here's an explanation:
Inferiority is an abnormal psychological state, which means that when a person faces a problem, he does not believe that he has the ability to solve it, so he has a self-destructive withdrawal reaction.
For example, Susan who stutters thinks that she can't find a good job because of stuttering, so she gives up on herself and doesn't look for a job. This is a typical inferiority complex.
Let's analyze it. Susan felt inferior when she thought she stuttered.
People with a sound sense of inferiority will try to make up for their own shortcomings, such as curing their stuttering by practicing oral English hard, trying to accumulate the required work skills and preparing for a good job.
On the contrary, Susan didn't have the courage to change. She thinks that if she goes out to look for a job, others will laugh at her stuttering, so she simply doesn't look for a job and stays in her small world.
Eventually, Susan will become more and more afraid of contact with the outside world, so she will feel more and more lonely.
After explaining inferiority complex, let's take a look at what is superiority complex.
The so-called sense of superiority is also an abnormal psychological state. It refers to a person who acts as if he is very powerful, thus immersing himself in a false sense of superiority to cover up his inner weakness and inferiority.
For example, Susan, who stutters, feels inferior because of stuttering. But she can't endure such inferiority for a long time, and she can't accept such incompetent self.
So, she hinted to herself, "If I didn't stutter, I would find a good job." . Accordingly, she imagined a strong woman in the workplace without stuttering, and gained a sense of superiority from it.
However, Susan in reality has not changed the status quo, and she still dares not integrate into society and find a job. The sense of superiority she gained was false; She's just fooling herself.
For another example, in our life, there is such a person who may be poor when he was a child and always feel inferior.
Therefore, in order to make up for their inferiority, they will try their best to make money, no matter what means, as long as they can make money. Once they have money, their favorite thing to do is to show off.
For example, they will pursue all kinds of luxury goods and always wear all kinds of brand-name clothes.
They not only show off in reality, but also like to show off on the internet, hoping that people all over the world know that they are rich, so as to show that they are a special existence.
Please note that a person who always wants to highlight his special identity is bound to be unable to establish an equal and cooperative relationship with others, so he can't integrate into society in a friendly way. In fact, it is not surprising that such people will be lonely inside.
From the above example, we can see that inferiority and superiority are closely related, although they seem to be opposite words.
People with inferiority complex, because they can't stand their inferiority complex and incompetence, disguise their strength by pursuing a false sense of superiority, thus concealing their inner inferiority complex and powerlessness.
Therefore, in essence, superiority is an upgraded inferiority complex and a way for people with inferiority complex to escape difficulties.
Let's emphasize once again that these two kinds of complex will lead people to be unable to really integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others, so people will feel lonely.
Then, you may want to ask, why can some people surpass themselves with inferiority, while others become lonely people because of inferiority? Here we need to learn a key word: social sense.
What is a sense of society? It refers to people's desire to establish relations and cooperation with others.
Adler said that people are born with a sense of society. Because humans are neither as strong as lions and orangutans, nor as defensive as other animals.
This characteristic determines that human beings must resist the cruel external environment through social cooperation and make up for the defects of their own strength with the strength of the group.
Therefore, people with enough sense of society will know how to care about others and establish cooperative relations with others. When encountering difficulties, they can always solve them in a way that does not harm the interests of the people.
On the other hand, people who lack a sense of society cannot integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others. They always focus on themselves and never pay attention to others. It is not surprising that such a person will feel lonely.
Then, why do some people have developed social consciousness and some people have underdeveloped social consciousness? Adler believes that this is mainly related to the guidance of adults around him.
Cohen, the hero of the movie Call Me First, suffers from congenital Tourette's disease. This disease will make him twist his neck uncontrollably and make a strange noise like a dog barking unconsciously.
Since childhood, Cohen has never been understood by the people around him. The students laughed at his strange voice, and the teacher criticized him for deliberately disturbing the classroom and defined him as a bad student.
Even his father was extremely disappointed in him and was ashamed to have a son like him. My father finally chose to divorce Cohen's mother.
Imagine what his future life would be like if no one came to guide him. There is no doubt that he will feel inferior because of this disease, and he is unwilling to associate with other people for fear of being laughed at.
Eventually he will separate himself from the whole society. In his eyes, society will be ruthless and indifferent, and he will not feel any warmth. How should he learn to cooperate and associate with others?
Fortunately, there are two noble people in Cohen's life. One is his mother, and the other is his primary school principal.
Cohen's mother never gave up on Cohen. She always hoped Cohen could really integrate into society. She took Cohen to the doctor and a support group.
There are many people in the group who have the same symptoms as Cohen, but adults here can't work and children can't go to school. The whole group is full of escape from society.
Cohen's mother didn't want him to be a marginal figure in society, so she took him away from the support group. Subsequently, Cohen transferred to another school, where he met another noble person in his life, namely the principal of the school.
At a school concert, Cohen kept making strange noises while sitting under the stage. After the music, the headmaster called Cohen to the stage and told everyone that Cohen made strange noises because of his illness, which was beyond his control.
Then the headmaster asked him what other people could do to help him.
Cohen paused, because everyone has been laughing at him and treating him as a monster, but now someone is willing to help him. Cohen was a little surprised to tell everyone that he hoped that everyone would not regard him with special respect.
Cohen was still screaming after he stepped down, but this time everyone was applauding him, and he felt the friendliness of society for the first time. This made him make up his mind to be an excellent teacher like the principal when he grew up and encourage more children who are as difficult as him.
Cohen's mother's guidance and the encouragement of the primary school principal gave Cohen enough social sense.
Even after growing up, Cohen was frustrated in many interviews because of illness, but he still didn't give up until he finally found a job as a teacher and began his journey of teaching and educating people.
Well, we have finished talking about the reasons why people are lonely.
To sum up, the root of loneliness lies in inferiority and lack of social sense.
But everyone has an inferiority complex. Only people with enough social sense can integrate into society and establish contact with others. So when they feel inferior, they will work hard, pursue superiority, and finally surpass themselves.
On the contrary, people who lack a sense of society are always self-centered. When they feel inferior, it is easy to go astray, resulting in inferiority and superiority.
These two kinds of complex will make people unable to integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others, so people will feel lonely.
How can I get out of loneliness?
So, how can we get out of loneliness?
The most fundamental way is to realize that what we need to change is our own goals. What do you mean? Adler believes that it is not his past experience that determines a person's behavior, but his future goals.
For example, a student is lazy and has poor grades. In our opinion, to improve this student's grades, he should listen carefully in class and try to improve his grades.
However, if we know that the student's goal is to make himself look different, then we will understand that as long as his goal remains unchanged, his habit of lazy study will not disappear.
So in Adler's view, this is actually the case for everyone with psychological problems. The behavior and method are correct, but the goal is wrong.
For example, a social phobia patient will tremble and have palpitations as long as there are many people. For this reason, he has seen doctors many times, hoping to live a normal life.
But in Adler's view, this patient is not unable to communicate with others because of stuttering.
On the contrary, it is precisely because he doesn't want to associate with people that he has an uneasy mood and even an abnormal physiological reaction. In other words, the purpose of his stuttering is to avoid social activities.
As long as he stutters, he doesn't have to meet strangers. He can also use this excuse to refuse a colleague's party invitation, and his relatives and friends around him will be cautious about him because of his stuttering.
It can be seen that what we need to do to get out of loneliness is to realize that what needs to be changed is our own goal. As long as the goal changes, the psychological state and behavior will also change.
So, you want to ask, what kind of goal is meaningful and worth pursuing?
In Adler's view, as long as our goal can reflect enough social sense, it is a meaningful goal. Under the guidance of such a goal, most of our actions will not be biased.
Regarding the meaning of life, Adler emphasized in his works that the meaning of life lies in dedication. Only those who know this can actively care about others and establish cooperative relations with them. The goal of our sense of superiority should also be here.
For example, Monica is a nice guy in the workplace and gives everything to every colleague's request.
Whether colleagues ask her to help print documents, do PPT or other trivial things, she always takes these jobs. To this end, she often works overtime to complete the requirements of her colleagues.
But she always feels out of place with the people in the company, and there are no colleagues in the company to talk to, so she feels very lonely.
From Monica's case, we can see that her goal is to "gain others' approval", so all her actions serve this goal.
Although she will finish the work for other colleagues, her behavior is not professional, because her ultimate goal is to get recognition from others.
So if Monica really wants to get out of loneliness, she should change her original goal and combine her new goal with her sense of society.
If you are in the same situation as Monica, you can reset your goal to "dedicate your talents at work" and your behavior will change accordingly.
When you are in trouble, you can ask your colleagues for help, because you have a cooperative relationship with others, and you no longer regard them as enemies;
When you are at work, you no longer only care about whether you can be recognized by others, but whether others will benefit from your work.
For example, when you are doing PPT, you can consider what kind of PPT can better convey information and whether others can understand your PPT logical structure.
When you learn to cooperate with others at work and constantly show your self-worth, you will naturally be recognized by others.
For another example, An An has no friends. Except for working hours, she spends all her time with her husband and children.
Once they are not around, Ann will be lonely. This is because her goal is "I don't want to deal with anyone except my husband and children".
An An decided to set new goals, such as "I want to deal with others and establish cooperative relations with others".
In order to achieve this goal, An An began to join a book club and share the books she had read with others. I also added a lot of precious mothers to exchange parenting experiences with others.
In short, the most fundamental way out of loneliness is to realize that what we need to change is the goal.
With this awareness, we can reset our goals, connect our goals with others in society, cooperate with others and make contributions to others.
In this process, our actions can not only benefit others, but also develop ourselves.
Well, the book "Out of Loneliness" is here for you to interpret. I want to sum up for you. We talked about three main points today:
First of all, we re-recognize loneliness. Just because a person does something doesn't mean you are a lonely person. True loneliness means that you can't integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others.
Secondly, we understand that the reason why people feel lonely lies in inferiority.
Normal inferiority complex can make people strive for progress and surpass themselves. But a strong sense of inferiority can make people feel inferior and superior.
Whether a person will surpass himself or be lonely because of inferiority depends on whether this person has enough sense of society.
People with strong social consciousness can actively integrate into society and establish cooperative relations with others; People who lack a sense of society take care of themselves and can't integrate well into society and contact people.
Finally, we know the way out of loneliness. First of all, we realize that what we need to change is the goal. Secondly, we need to set a new goal, which can reflect our sufficient sense of society.
When you learn to have good contact with others and grow up in the relationship with others, even if you are alone, you can still appreciate the value of live high.
So, set a meaningful goal for yourself again and cooperate with others!