1
"Old na, come, eat meat. Eat more. " It was a plate of dark red braised pork, pieces of fat and thin meat. You broke me, I broke you, and all of them collapsed without strength. Layers of oil cover the whole plate, refusing to let in a little air, which makes people suffocate.
When I was a child, every time I went to a relative's house for dinner, I was bound to hear a sentence. They think I love meat, and they think I must love meat if I am fat.
"Eat meat."
Mother always pushes the dishes back, adding, "She doesn't eat meat, but she eats vegetables."
But it's not that I don't eat meat, and I don't love meat to that extent.
But I hate fat.
I hate the extra fat on me.
More than a month ago, I saw the fat around my waist again. It's okay to stand, but once you sit down, fat will collapse unscrupulously and extend in all directions. I always go to the company bathroom, sit on the toilet and gnash my teeth with that fat. I looked down and stared at the white fat I had squeezed out.
That's disgusting.
Also desperately search for various fitness, weight loss methods, eating points. Although I already know too much.
I know that exercise plus diet is the most effective. I know how much carbohydrate, fat and protein I have to eat every day. I know I must not eat sugar, but I must eat fat, and fat must also eat healthy and high quality, such as nuts, fish oil and avocado. I know what staple food has the lowest GI value. Quinoa, oats, etc. It is the highest quality staple food. Sweet potato and purple potato are also good, but the sugar is high. All the baked sugar has come out, and it has to be steamed. I know that all kinds of heat-resistant vegetables and fruits, apples, tomatoes, cucumbers, celery, grapefruit, grapefruit and grapefruit are similar, but grapefruit is more nutritious. I know that drinking milk is actually better in whole fat, and low-fat or even zero-fat milk is added with more additives and sugar. I know that sugar is the most deadly, especially refined sugar, white sugar, candy, white bread and so on. I know that strength training is necessary to grow muscles, improve metabolism and burn more calories, but aerobic exercise is necessary to lose fat. I know I can't help eating after exercise. I have to add protein, high-quality whey protein, fast absorption, and eat some carbohydrates. Only by combining the two can I gain muscle and lose fat more effectively. I know I can eat some casein before going to bed at night. Yogurt is casein, which will slowly help me recover and grow muscles when my body is still.
Before eating something I am not familiar with, I must look at the nutrition table first. Look at the total calories first. You can't eat more than 200, unless protein exceeds 15g. Look at sugar again, if it exceeds 10 gram, you have to put a question mark. Look at protein, look at the fat content, look at cellulose, cellulose is a plus item. Of course, I already know the nutrition of most foods like the back of my hand, but sometimes I have a little desire to eat a chocolate or something, so I will look at the nutrition list and I don't want to eat it after looking at it. It says dark chocolate, but it's not high-quality dark chocolate. That's it. In my eyes, sweets have long been decomposed into carbohydrates, protein, fat and sugar. What is reflected in my retina is no longer a beautiful and attractive cake, but a pile of flour, a pile of butter and a pile of sugar. I have no appetite unless it is a relatively healthier and more exquisite dessert that I have never eaten.
Some people may say, why, how painful it is to be so restrained. No, I don't need constraints anymore. I haven't eaten white rice for many years. I have lost my thirst for white bread. Candy can no longer stimulate my nerves. I have only eaten a handful of instant noodles since I was a child. Instead, I fell in love with coarse grain bread. By the way, add milk to oatmeal, heat it, add a spoonful of Chia seeds and mix coconut slices. Very delicious. If I have an inevitable desire, I will eat delicious protein sticks. Now there are various flavors of protein bars, chocolate, fruit, peanut oil and peanut, without losing the real chocolate bar at all. I can also eat ice cream, which is made in protein. Can you believe it? It tastes good. I have forgotten what real ice cream tastes like.
There is no way, even if you are so restrained, you will still get fatter and thinner, perhaps because of reduced exercise, perhaps because of anxiety, perhaps because of insomnia for several days in a row. I don't need a weighing scale. I am very sensitive to my body. I put on a little weight. I can always feel the fat on my face or waist for the first time. I don't need weighing scale, because I understand that numbers don't mean anything. Sometimes muscle increases and fat decreases, but this number gets bigger. Numbers will make me more anxious. I don't need a sports bracelet either. I bought one and used it for a while. I abandoned it, and it was useless. I don't need this external motivation, I have a very strong internal motivation. I know how much exercise I do every day. Is it enough? I always do something. If I am too tired, I will go to the gym and take a walk while reading, which is good. I don't need a sports bracelet, and I don't need to get motivation from comparing with others. I closed the WeChat activity, and I don't like to rank everything.
Exercise is a part of my life, just like eating and sleeping. This is natural, even instinctive. I'm not proud of it. It's not something that needs publicity or praise. This is not inspirational. All my self-control and restraint are not to make others say "you have become beautiful" and "you have become thinner", let alone to please and attract anyone. I'm not without self-confidence, and I don't think I'm ugly, and I don't think I'm fat or ugly.
I clearly realize my beauty, and I have heartfelt confidence. It's a person's confidence to analyze himself from one layer to another, to know and understand himself, to reconcile with himself bit by bit, to polish himself into the one he appreciates more, and to grow up bit by bit. Such self-confidence does not need the approval or understanding of others.
Then why?
Because I hate fat.
I just hate fat.
2
When I was a child, my grandmother always made fun of me and said that when I was born, they almost threw me into the trash can. Fat and round, with a flat nose and small eyes, who would want it?
I didn't understand when I was a child. Adults often joke that you were picked up by your parents. So I seriously asked my parents, did you pick me up?
The same is true for grandma's joke. Although I know it is a joke, I still can't help but doubt it. Especially in primary school, they often called me "pig".
I envy others for having all kinds of interesting nicknames, but my nickname is "pig", and you may find it cute. As far as I'm concerned, I hate "pig" just like I have a little fat on me.
I am not as fat as a pig, and I am not overweight. Maybe it's because of the big head and face. From the time I was conscious until I went abroad, I always wrote and read books in my mother's clinic. When people who know me well see me, they will turn to my mother and say, "Your daughter is so strong/fat!" My mother always smiles and responds, "I just have a big head and a big face, a smart head and a blessed face."
As far as I can remember, I have never been full. I have been on a diet control. Only a few times when I was too full to vomit, I vomited because I knew I would vomit, so I ate recklessly-this is overeating, which is almost anorexia-and I always secretly dug in the bathroom, which used to be a secret.
Every time I eat, my mother makes me put down my chopsticks and say, that's enough. Go upstairs and see the house. Of course I know. My parents are doing it for our own good. If I hadn't been so restrained, I might have really ...
Rarely eat all kinds of snacks in the street. Mom always said, dirty, and I agree. Several times, because of any reward, my brother and I would go to the snack bar in the village to buy some baked rice cakes, or some oil chopping blocks (with shredded radish in them), or a box of stinky tofu for the whole family to share.
Every time I go to a relative's house for dinner, I'm scared. They always like to push plates of meat in front of me. They always think I like meat. They always say, "Gee, my daughter/son is much thinner than you, as thin as anything. I wish I were a little fatter than you. " "
What kind of fat man I am, you must always say it every time you see me, and take pains to say who I have offended. I don't really have much fat. Who have I offended?
I can't eat more than twenty dishes on a big table for too long. After eating for a while, I will be off the table. Psychologically speaking, if we have any unsatisfied desires when we are young, we will try our best to satisfy them when we grow up. I'm glad my hunger for food, at least so far, hasn't exploded. No desire, even if there is, once you think of that kind of masochistic fitness, you spend money, time and energy, and you don't want anything.
In primary school, once, our whole class watched the Olympic Games, a weightlifting competition. The head teacher is also there. Somehow, he looked at me and suddenly turned to me and said, "Hey, you can lift weights in the future. I think you are very suitable for weightlifting. " I don't know if people around me have heard it. Anyway, this sentence is deeply rooted in my heart. I didn't respond to anything. I must respect my teacher, I know he is joking. I just looked at the teacher, who was also a lump of fat, and silently muttered, "Why don't you go?". I know this is not a good idea.
I hate to say anything hurtful on the grounds of joking or frankness. "You are too sensitive. This temper has to be changed. " Every time I play jokes on adults, ridicule and tease me, and show any small unhappiness, my mother will say so.
Even my own grandfather. Once, I was wearing a long black and white dress. "I'm so fat, I still wear a skirt." Grandpa commented. For a long time, I always felt that there was something between my grandfather and me that I couldn't tell.
"Grandpa is joking." The only time I told my mother about it, she would still respond like this. So if I feel hurt, I'm sensitive, I'm blx, and I'm psychologically fragile, right? Everyone else can use a simple "joke" and pretend that nothing happened.
I am not a person without a sense of humor, but I play jokes on others carefully, although I often laugh at myself. I don't like to judge others either. I always feel that everyone is self-aware and already knows. What's the use of my evaluation? If you don't know yourself, if I say it, it may backfire. Besides, really, you can't know what's going on with each other. Even if you know what happened, you don't know how painful it is for him, a unique person. You don't know what kind of past he has and what kind of road he is on.
As far as I can remember, the only one who didn't comment that I was fat was my dad. Dad, no matter how fat and ugly I am, he keeps telling me to eat better, eat more, dress better and dress better.
When I was a child, I liked to go shopping with my mother, but sometimes I started with happiness and ended with anger. "Oh, we are all short and fat. We can't wear such clothes, and we can't wear such clothes. " People in the shop want to recommend us, and mother will refuse for the same reason. I was so angry that I didn't say anything and tried nothing.
I started shopping alone very early. It's good to go shopping alone. Eat whatever you want. In the fitting room, no one can see, and no one will have any comments. Every time I go shopping to buy clothes, I show them to my mother, and she likes them very much. "What a good eye. How can I buy my own clothes? " "You won't let me try."
When I grow up, my grandmother often sighs, "I didn't expect Nana to change completely when she grew up. She wanted to throw you away when she was a child! " Grandma still likes joking.
After junior high school, the adults in the village will still say that I am fatter or stronger, just like my mother, saying that my head is smart and my face is blessed. Some people say I look good. The unanimous evaluation of the students is cute. I don't even think so. Say nice, probably to please mom and dad, say cute, probably because I can't think of other adjectives. In my graduation yearbook, "Cute" is written everywhere. I hate this word gradually.
I hate being cute.
Of course, I hate being fat more.
I still hate being fat.
three
During my two or three years in America, I tried many fitness programs. When I was a graduate student, I often went to the school gym, swimming, or taekwondo boxing, or bodycamp, or running, holding small dumbbells almost every day in the early morning after 6 o'clock, or on cold weekends. It was more than ten years after I learned that my best friend had died that I was in a trance. I often thought it was an illusion and often thought of it. Exercise has gradually made me have my own pace of life. I haven't thought about how much fat I want to lose. I just want to calm my mind a little, and then calm down a little.
Sports is a person's business.
After graduation, I moved three times, while looking for a job, I took Zumba classes and ran like crazy. Once I ran in the gym for an hour and a half, and I was still running, so the staff came to care about me. I often run out of my home, along the famous market street, all the way to the fisherman's wharf, and then back the same way, one after another, more than ten miles, about 16 thousand meters. How can I run so well? Not breathing.
I remember, I participated in the 800-meter race only once in my student career, in primary school. The students finished running early and waited at the finish line. I am still running, moving my body step by step. I'm the only one on the runway. The sun is dazzling. They shouted come on. The head teacher's evil smile suddenly appeared in front of my eyes. I don't know if it is an illusion. You know I'm slow, why do you let me run?
A year later, I ran ten miles from two hours to only one and a half hours, half an hour faster. This is due to private fitness. An hour of private fitness, every time I was abused to death. The effect is also surprisingly good. Of course, we should also control our diet. In a month, my body fat dropped by 3%. So I practiced for five months, had three classes a week, and reluctantly left three times. After moving to Silicon Valley, I found a fitness instructor and practiced for about half a year, but I was still abused three times a week. But it was too expensive, and I wanted to try other sports, so I suspended my personal trainer. At that time, body fat was 18%- 19%. Almost the figure of an athlete.
I learned boxing while working out with this fitness instructor in Silicon Valley. This is my style. Cool and venting. At the same time, I also learned that boxing is not a brute force sport, but a strategy. Strategy first, quick response, quick and accurate shots, and always protect yourself.
I have studied all kinds of dances, such as HipHop, KPop, ballet and modern dance. I feel that when I was a child, my dance genes are going to be displayed. Yoga is too slow for me. But I fell in love with Barre, a fitness class that combines ballet, yoga and Pilates. I like it very much. I also had the idea of becoming a teacher of Barre, or opening my own Barre studio in the future. I've been to HIIT a lot recently, yes, it's the most abused place. I almost want to throw up when I practice, but I run faster and paddle harder. When the coach said it was over, all my cells shouted "cool".
Oh, yes. I also went to a wrestling class. I didn't know the word at that time, and I didn't look it up carefully. Encouraged by curiosity, I signed up and went excitedly. Fortunately, there is a girl among a dozen people in the class. Otherwise, I can't imagine squeezing and wrestling with strange men.
It's not just about losing weight now. I tried so many sports, dances and fitness classes and found what I really like. I can't do it, let alone stick to something I'm not interested in at all. And some things don't need to be adhered to. The word "persistence" needs a little helpless effort. No persistence, no willpower, no energy. Do things with your fun instinct, and you will get real happiness and double results.
But I, like many other fitness experts and girls whose lifelong career is to lose weight, have gone through all kinds of wonderful roads, hurt myself to some extent, and almost got anorexia and depression. After all, I still hate being fat.
I hate it.
four
Fat can't be squeezed out, and you can see the bulging muscles of your arms without too much effort. There are two concave lines and a looming abdomen with muscle blocks. After two weeks of crazy exercise, one day HIIT, one day barre, or walking on the treadmill in the morning, I didn't fall down for almost a day, and finally I gradually eliminated the excess fat on my body. I hate fat.
Your body is the only thing you give, and you will be rewarded.
Although I still didn't shake hands with the fat man, I still couldn't look at my extra fat and be calm. I still can't eat a big portion. I am still very grateful to myself.
The most terrible thing to lose weight should be the second year of high school, and it is also the first real weight loss. I don't touch a grain of rice and drink Besunyen slimming tea every day (I later heard that Besunyen may cause cancer, so I immediately threw away the rest. I'm still dying. Do more than 100 sit-ups before going to bed at night (causing backache). At that time, I didn't know a healthy way to lose weight. At that time, fitness was not as popular as it is now, and there was no gym in the school. I'm also very afraid of running.
Successfully lost weight 10 kg, but constipation (don't laugh! ), very serious, very serious, need to open a bottle, it's all blood. I haven't menstruated for months. Once I fainted from heatstroke because I didn't eat. Senior three is coming, and the college entrance examination is the first. Oh, no, health comes first, and college entrance examination comes second. I gradually resumed my diet and ate more supplements, including meat. Between figure and IQ, you must choose the latter. It is unhealthy to gain weight instantly and lose weight too quickly. Now I can't bear to see my photos of my senior year and freshman year. It's terrible. Fat blocked my whole face and drove away the dimples. It took years to look at the photos and find out. I didn't often look in the mirror at that time. I really want to tear up those photos and throw them away, but there are people I love, and some people are gone, so I can't bear to part with them.
If you go to college, you must lose weight. I bought diet pills, drank black coffee on an empty stomach, ate only oats soaked in hot water, only cucumbers and drank seven cups of yogurt every day. I don't know whether I have lost weight or gained weight. I don't weigh myself and I hardly look in the mirror. Just one day, I suddenly found myself habitually vomiting for nearly a month. I bought several bags of snacks, chewed them quickly without feeling, swallowed them, spit them out and filled the containers. Then go into the bathroom, close the door, and sometimes turn on the tap. Two fingers stuck into my throat and scratched, and the food came out. Dig a few more times and everything will come out. Vomiting, which is vomiting, is a precursor to overeating and anorexia. As a psychology student, I have long been used to analyzing myself, but during that time, I seemed to be studying abnormal psychology. I turned on the computer and entered the "self-treatment diary". I can't tell anyone, I can only treat myself.
It was also when I applied abroad, plus student work, plus the first psychological publicity month, plus several scientific research projects. At first, I would run to the top of the dormitory at night and cry loudly. Later, I walked out of the dormitory, walked straight and cried as I walked. Later, I went to the runway and started running. One lap, three laps and ten laps. I have been afraid of 800 meters since I was born, but I ran ten laps (400-meter track), then seventeen laps and twenty laps. Every night when I come back from the library, I have to pass that runway, round and round. Once, I ran away with my schoolbag on my back. A new laptop, 1000 yuan in cash, a mobile phone and a wallet, all of which I have been staring at by the runway, are gone.
Maybe it is too thin. But at that time, I was anxious about my application for going abroad, didn't care much, and still didn't look in the mirror often. As usual, I learned it from the photos. It's really beautiful.
Later, I went abroad, and my weight loss career was finally on the right track. The scientific knowledge and practical experience accumulated in the past three years are probably enough to make me half a fitness instructor and half a nutritionist.
But my vomiting has not fully recovered, and it has happened several times recently. And when I saw that extra lump of fat, I knew that I still hated being fat. I still closed my eyes and didn't want to see myself in the past.
Other people's comments on my fatness have long since lost their effect. I am too self-aware, fat or thin, beautiful or ugly, and other people's comments will not change the fact.
Nothing is terrible, fat or thin, beautiful or ugly. The terrible thing is that I find that I can't accept who I really am.
I can't really love myself.
"Love her and be loyal to her, whether she is poor, sick or disabled, until she dies. Will you? " I am not the person I want to marry most.
But I'm happy.
five
Growth means breaking yourself again and again and reorganizing yourself again and again. We make peace with ourselves bit by bit, those fears, those unbearable, those annoying, as annoying as fat. We can finally accept ourselves slowly.
Love yourself
I think I am a very lucky person. I have my parents who have always supported and trusted me unconditionally, my younger brother and my grandmother who has left but loves me very much; Do I have a cram school full of freedom and cartoons? I have lived in three famous American cities, Seattle, San Francisco and Silicon Valley. Oh, Silicon Valley is not a city. Yes, it's in Silicon Valley now. There is no pain in my life. I often tell my parents that there is nothing really bitter in our generation. We are only too used to the luck and happiness that we don't realize.
But in everyone's heart, there are some things that can't be touched or said.
I sympathize with everyone, I sympathize with myself, I sympathize with the darkness and fear behind every glamour, I sympathize with everyone's courage to live and vitality of life, and I sympathize with everyone's silence that can't be told to others.
"A writer should be a person who is committed to writing his mind thoroughly. Your analysis of yourself will be useful to others, and you will let others see a lot of things and find yourself. I think if a writer has any use, it is this use. He didn't make up lies or beautiful things to make you forget yourself, but to make you face yourself more sharply. "
My best friend who just set foot on a hike in the desert sent me this passage.
"I think that's what you did!" She said.
I am not a writer, all my words are just to please myself. If these plain words, without any additives and positive energy, but with my sincere heart, can bring a little noise, a little warmth and a little sharper courage to anyone, I will be very happy.
Be grateful.