Selected paragraphs of WeChat friends circle
1. The tortoise is hurt, so let the snail buy medicine. Two hours have passed and the snail hasn't come back yet. The tortoise was in a hurry and scolded, "I'll die if I don't fucking come back!" " "At this moment, the snail's voice came from outside the door:" You fucking said I wouldn't go! " "
Dad put his son to bed and went back to the bedroom to get ready for bed. "Dad!" Cried the son. "What is it?" "I am thirsty. Can I have a glass of water? " "You just drank it! Go to sleep, I have turned off the lights! " Five minutes later, "Dad! I'm thirsty, can't you give me a drink? " "I just said! You let me hit you again! " Five minutes later, "Dad!" "What's the matter?" "Be sure to bring a glass of water when you come to hit me!"
At school, one day, Mr. A was in the dormitory to change his pants. He just took off his belt. Unexpectedly, several girls came in, so he had to come to the dormitory next door with his pants. Just as I unbuttoned the button, I was about to take it off. Unexpectedly, several girls came in, so I had to carry my pants to the door of the dormitory next door. Because he was in a hurry with pants in his hand, he had to kick open the dormitory door and shout, "Is there a woman in it?" Is there a woman? "I saw many girls sitting in the room, looking at him in horror-
An old man walked slowly in the street and saw a child tiptoe to ring the doorbell, but it was almost the same. So the old man went over and said kindly, "Little friend, let me press it for you." As he spoke, the old man rang the doorbell and didn't let go until he was sure that the people inside could hear him. At this time, the child eagerly said to the old man, "Let's run quickly!" " "
5. The woman is ugly and can't get married, hoping to be trafficked. Finally, my dream came true, but I couldn't sell it for half a month. When the kidnapper brought it back, she insisted on not getting off the bus. The kidnapper gritted his teeth and stamped his feet: "Let's go, we don't want the car!" " "
6. Robber: "Robber, get down!" When he saw a lady kneeling, he shouted, "Be fucking civilized. I only rob money, not sex!" "
7. The ugly man sent ninety-nine roses to his beautiful female colleague, "Marry me! I love you! " Woman: "Forget it! I have no feeling. " Man: "Please tell me that's not good. I'll change it." Woman: "What do you like about me? I have changed. "
8. A brother is constipated and can't be comfortable in the toilet for a long time. Just as he was going all out, he watched a buddy rush into the toilet like the wind and enter the next position. No sooner had I entered than there was a real storm. The brother said enviously to his buddy, "Dude, I envy you." The buddy said, "I envy you, my pants are still on!" " "
9. A puppy climbed onto your dining table and crawled towards a roast chicken. You are furious and say, "If you dare to do anything to that roast chicken, I will dare to do anything to you!" " As a result, the dog licked the chicken's ass and you fainted. The puppy said happily, "Look who is cruel."
10. A sleeping party in a boy's dormitory lasted until three o'clock in the morning, and suddenly I wanted to discuss a question, "What should I say first when I meet a beautiful girl?" A gentleman woke up from a dream and said, "Stop talking and let's go to bed!" " "
Wechat friends circle funny pictures.
1. A brother went to the toilet and went into the ladies' room by mistake. After going in, he found that there was no urinal, which was wrong. Fortunately, there is no one in the toilet. He walked out casually. When I opened the door, I met a MM who came in. Face to face with him, blushed, lowered his head and turned to drill in the men's room.
The hunter saw a bird in the sky and missed three shots, but the bird still fell. It turned out that the bird didn't hit the neutron bomb and patted its chest and said, "Scared to death, scared to death!" "
I passed the cemetery one night and thought it was a ghost fire when I saw the fire. Then he threw a brick and the fire moved to another grave. The man still threw another brick, and he heard, "Shit! You can't even shit. You will get two bricks when you smoke. "
4. A woman was walking at night when she suddenly saw a man coming towards her with open arms, making a hug, and stepping forward was a kick. The man fell to the ground and cried, "it's the third piece." Who did I piss off? Is it so difficult to take a piece of glass home? "
5. A novice went to collect usury. He took out the IOU and smiled and said, "It's written clearly in black and white. You owe me 1 10,000! Do you want to default? " People really don't have that much money, and he threatened: "Hum! Don't blame me for not reminding you! If you can't afford it tomorrow, your house will be just like it. " He took out his lighter and burned the loan.
6. There is an old farmer hoeing in the field. A crow flew by and took a shit and landed on the old farmer's face. The old farmer looked up and cursed: "Cao, you mother! I don't know how to wear shorts when I go out! " The crow said, "Cao! You shit and wear underpants! "
7. Robber: "Tell me the password of the safe, or I will kill you!" " Female employee: "Don't tell me if you kill me! I won't say anything if you ruin me! " The robber looked her up and down and said, "You should be beautiful!" "
One day, the animals smelled an unpleasant smell in front of Guan Gong Temple. The snake said, "I am too young to fart so smelly." It must be a cow. " The cow said, "I eat grass, and I won't fart so smelly." The pig said, "People who fart will blush." Suddenly, Guan Gong rushed out and drove the pig away, saying, "How many times have I told you, I was born blushing."
9. Ge You invited a friend to dinner and went to the toilet on the way. His trousers were wet when he came back.
Friend: "Why are your pants wet?" Ge You: "It's been like this since I became famous."
Friend: "Often?"
Ge You: "Yes! It is often that the person next to him suddenly turns around and shouts' Yo! Isn't this Ge You? ! ? "
10. A woman urinated in the toilet, and a drunk went by mistake after drinking. Hearing the sound of "rushing" urine, he quickly said, "Don't pour it, I really don't drink it!" The woman was so frightened that she didn't dare to pee any more. She couldn't hold back and farted. The drunkard said, "I am tall! Who opened another bottle! "
Humorous jokes in WeChat circle of friends
1. Once I suddenly thought of going swimming, I bought a pair of cheap swimming trunks in the supermarket, because there were no other colors, only red. As a result, I didn't expect the swimming trunks to fade. When I was soaking in the pool, a wisp of red came out of my lower body and rippled in the water. An uncle swam past me, looked at the red "blood" under me and looked at my naked upper body. For an instant, his expression was contradictory.
Tell me about my childhood! Everyone knows the big 28 bicycles with beams! When I was four or five years old, I used to sit directly on the beam of my father's bike and sit sideways. After a long time, my feet would be numb and uncomfortable! Last time I went to grandma's house, I suggested sitting in the back seat, because my feet wouldn't get numb! Agreed! Haha, let's go! ! As a result, at the destination, something terrible happened. Dad forgot me, took my leg off from behind and swept me down directly.
3. I heard from a friend that when he was in college, a boy with low emotional intelligence finally met a girl he liked, and they just started dating.
Once a girl was ill, and a boy accompanied her to the infirmary for intravenous drip.
Ten minutes passed, twenty minutes passed, and nothing happened.
Thinking of breaking the silence, the boy asked, "Is it cold?"
"cold"
"Cold, I'll cover it for you?"
The girl blushed and whispered "Yes".
Then the boy stood up and put his hand on the drip bottle.
When I was a child, I always bullied my sister because of my age. One night, my father came to tuck us in and suddenly found my three-year-old sister sitting in the dark watching me sleep!
"Why don't you sleep?" Dad asked.
My sister quickly said, "Shh! Keep your voice down and hit her when she falls asleep! "
5. I have a classmate who is a disciple and feels a little possessed.
School should do morning exercises in the morning, and he thinks that teachers must also get up early to do exercises, otherwise it is unfair.
So I went directly to consult with the principal.
The headmaster paused and said, "Where are you from?"
My classmate said affectionately, "I was sent by God to save you."
Principal:? ※%()￥? ※%
6. This person is hard of hearing as soon as he gets old. I remember when I was a child at my grandmother's house, one morning my grandfather was going fishing and met the old man next door as soon as he went out. The old man said to my grandfather, "Go fishing!" My grandfather said, "No! I'm going fishing. " Then the old man said, "Oh, I thought you were going fishing?" I was stunned.
7. I didn't pay attention to washing the dishes and dropped the bowl on the floor. Fortunately, I only lost a corner on the side and became a small gap.
Then continue to wash the dishes. I didn't pay attention to my right hand and scratched through the gap.
I thought: Is it really that fast? I can break my hand. Then I tried it with my left hand and it broke.
I thought to myself, that was fast. If this bowl is used for eating, wouldn't it be miserable? Then NC, I tried it with my mouth and my lip was broken.
8. A couple on the bus, the woman let a pervert touch her, and her boyfriend was expressionless. After arriving at the station, her boyfriend pulled the pervert out of the car, beat him skillfully and took his girlfriend away. Analysis of the reasons for a website's voting. 75% voted "This kid is waiting for his skills to cool down"
9. There is a steamed stuffed bun shop near the subway station. Business is very good, and people line up every day, next to a train ticket sales point.
I lined up to buy steamed buns today. When I was about to arrive, I heard two men behind me say, "Oh, this is a steamed stuffed bun shop. Where is the train ticket conductor? Just over there! "
10. Just sent a drunk buddy home, and the man called for a massage along the way. Sent to the door, his wife's friend looked me up and down and said to me, "This young lady is really like my wife, hehe." I saw her wife's face twitching, and it was inconvenient to see me present. Help him into the living room with me. He said he had to go to the bathroom, so he went in by himself. After seeing his wife, he took a phone call and left angrily. Just wondering, this guy came out of the toilet and said to me, "I just called my wife and said that the company will not go back after working overtime."
1 1. It's half an hour since I went to the dungeon and the Warriors to brush the map. Suddenly, a message came from the loudspeaker, which almost thundered me to death: students from the middle school affiliated to Zhejiang XX Mine, the principal is here, run.
12. When buying gloves, the boss wants 35, and I said 30. The boss insisted on 35 and refused to give in after several rounds of talks. I thought about it and gave a 50. He quickly gave me 35.
13. In high school, our toilet had a door with a spring, which could return to its original position, but it could only be opened inward, not outward.
Many people have the habit of opening the toilet door and kicking it.
Most people just kick about knee-high. I have a classmate who has practiced martial arts, probably to show off or to maintain his flexibility. He always lifts his feet high and kicks them to about the height of his chest.
One night, this man went to WC, walked to the door, without thinking, lifted his foot and kicked.
As soon as our dean had finished speaking, he pushed the door and went out.
So our dean was kicked back to the toilet by my classmates.
14. Take your wife for prenatal examination in the morning. After blood drawing:
Nurse: "Come and get the checklist on the 32nd."
Wife: "65438+1October 32 or February 32."
Me (weak): "February 1"
Nurse (Khan): "Yes! Yes! Yes! "
15. I got on the plane a few days ago and found a beautiful woman sitting next to me. According to the principle of chatting up, I blurted out, "Where did you get off?"
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