1, my buddy works in a mental hospital. He told me a true story of a mental hospital: Patient A and Patient B fought fiercely, and suddenly A stopped playing, and B asked him why he stopped playing. A said, "You think I'm stupid. You are a psycho who killed me, but it's not illegal for you. If I kill you, I will go to jail. " Two thieves are communicating. One said, "Stealing a better roof can sell120,000. I think the plane is the most valuable. The newspaper said that a plane is tens of millions. " The other said, "That guy is so big, how can he steal it?" He just stole it and hid it there. " The thief said, "You idiot, when the plane flies into the sky, it will only be bigger." 3. A man named Chun Li earned 120 gold outside and returned to his hometown. He was afraid to leave it at home, so he buried it in the soil. Another time he wanted to be afraid of being stolen, so he wrote a sign on it: "There is no gold here." Liu Liu, a vagrant in the village, passed by and said with a smile, "There are people who are more stupid than me. There must be gold here. " So he dug up gold. He was afraid that others would know that he did it, so he wrote a sign on it: "Liu Liu didn't take the gold." And left. A few days later, Chun-Li came here and found that the gold was gone. He was very angry. He looked at the signboard again and said proudly, "I know who stole the gold." When he got home, he took out a megaphone and shouted in the village: "Everyone in the village except Liu Liu!" 4. When getting up early in the morning, Jing M.Guo solemnly wrote down four words in his notebook: It's a slight cold today, and at the same time he showed a warm and brilliant smile. 5. Disciple, I didn't expect you to take this Millennium Saussurea by mistake. You can increase the practice of jiazi. Here, give it to you. 6. Young people are full of confusion about life, so they go to the Zen master to enlighten them. Without saying a word, the Zen master handed him a small maze. A few days later, the young man came to visit again: "Master, I understand. I have been studying this maze for several days, but I still can't find the exit. Life is like this. Every road that hits a wall has no end ... "Hearing this, the Zen master shook his head helplessly:" Stupid! I am asking you to scan the QR code of my WeChat. " 7. A friend sells in a home shopping mall. Today, a big sister said that she wanted to buy a clock, the kind that landed on the floor, and also said that she wanted to put the toilet. The friend asked, "Why do you want to put the toilet?" The elder sister said with special knowledge, "I want shit and a clock." 8. A girl just gave birth to a baby, and a group of girlfriends went to visit. One of the girlfriends leaned in and said, Wow, you really look like your husband! Another girlfriend said: Yes, very similar, especially when breastfeeding, the eyes are super similar! Suddenly, the whole room was silent. . 9. The market saw a seller of green shrimps. When it was all dead shrimps, it was expensive to turn around and leave! My sister who sells shrimp stopped me and explained, Girl, I just caught this shrimp at the seaside and got on the plane. I am still alive. Why did I die here? Finally, I made fun of my elder sister. Hey, you really lied to me, why didn't you believe me first ... 10, my girlfriend asked, "Failure is the mother of success, so what is the father of success?" I cried and said, "Every time I spend money to help you empty your shopping cart, it's called payment success." 1 1. My sister works on the high-speed rail. Wuhan just started driving when a woman put a big box on the luggage rack. How can I ignore standing by and the safety of passengers at this time? I said, hello, your box is too big. Put it in the luggage compartment of the unsafe amplifier on the luggage rack! The woman said, oh, it's too heavy. Then help me find a man to win it with! I said yes! Then she lifted the box with a twist. . . I have always been strong. . 12, when my mother was cooking, she found that there was no soy sauce. She asked me to go downstairs and buy soy sauce. I don't want to move while playing games: mom, I have something important, go by yourself! The little niece took the money from her mother: Grandma, I'm not talking about you. If I had such a daughter, I would have slapped her with a feather duster … Then I opened the door and went downstairs to buy soy sauce … My mother was looking for a feather duster …13. Yesterday, my girlfriend and I went swimming, and there were only two of us in the pool. Suddenly I drowned. Although the water was only as deep as my hair, I drowned. Just when I couldn't jump up to breathe the air, she slowly climbed out of the pool. So I was saved ~ 14. My mother called me at midnight. I slept in a daze and answered the phone for a long time. I was scared to feed it for a long time. As a result, my mother said, I just want to hear the voice of a girl next to you. It's okay. You go back to sleep. Then hang up the phone, and ... I'm sitting on the toilet smoking and depressed ... it's my mother! 15, when my classmates just got married, the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law was not very good. It's always a little unpleasant to see my mother-in-law. One day, I made breakfast and felt that my mother-in-law's pot was not clean. Friends who have burned coal at home should know that there is a layer of white at the bottom of the pot. My mother-in-law told her it was like that. Students don't believe me, say I'll brush it for you! She shoveled things with a shovel ... yeah! The pot has been shoveled through! ! 16, once, I watched a 3D movie in the cinema, and the effect was very realistic. Suddenly, the beast in the movie cut the mountain, and I felt a lot of "gravel" on my face. However, this is just a 3D movie. How can it have a 4D effect? I took off my 3D glasses and found the audience in the front row excitedly waving their popcorn buckets ... 17, and life was full of tears. On the bus, a little girl cried for no reason. No matter how numb she is, it doesn't help. Finally, she pointed to me and said, you are crying, so mom doesn't want you, so you can give it to this uncle. The little girl actually stopped crying at once and said, Ma Ma, I don't want to live with this uncle. My uncle looks so embarrassed, he looks afraid of people. As I said, I tried to get into her arms ... 18, my daughter and daughter-in-law look alike! Every time I see my daughter, I can't help but sigh: hey, this life is like finding a daughter-in-law, and last life was like finding a lover. It is really destiny takes a hand's love. 19, male: "Honey, I have something to tell you." Woman: "Husband, I have good news for you, too." Man: "You go first." Woman: "You go first." Man: "well, we'll talk at the same time." Man: "I can't be born." Woman: "I'm pregnant with a baby." The day before yesterday, the doctor told me to see a doctor at 8 o'clock the next day. Don't be late for her. I arrived at 7: 50, and she arrived at 9: 10. Yesterday, the nurse asked me to come at 7: 40 tomorrow, and I haven't come down at 7: 30 or 8: 00. The doctor can keep the patient waiting, and we dare not complain or ask her why she is late. But if you are three minutes late for the doctor's visit, the doctor can leave immediately, speechless …………………………………………………………………………………………………………………. The female netizen said: The scenery is good, but the people in the photo are too ugly. Is that you? Dude: The 22nd. Our school also has a dry toilet. Yesterday at noon, my roommate and I went to the dry toilet after dinner. A buddy glided to find the pit and looked around. Finally, he said that the pit was clean and he had the desire to shit. I don't know whether Lickitung or we are wrong. I know we have vomited everything we ate at noon. . . 23. A friend took his son to line up for vaccination. The little fellow was naughty and bumped into another little girl in line, making him cry. A friend scolded him: staring at something made my little sister cry! His son complained: I met it before I opened my eyes, and I didn't even stare! Everyone in the circle laughed ~ 24. I took my wife to my brother's house for the first time today. He keeps a teddy bear at home. When I got there, I was about to ask what the wifi password was. Thinking of this, I saw my wife's mobile phone actually connected, connected, connected. . . . 25. My best friend got up in the morning and washed her face without combing her hair, saying that she was going to meet her online friend who had been in love for three years. I said, "Dress up, how disappointed I am to be seen like this," she said, "You don't know anything. If you don't dress up this time, it will be a surprise to meet you later and dress up casually. " I think it's quite right. In the afternoon, she came back happily and sent a safe message to the other party ... she found herself fainted! 26. Green leather cars are wrong at school. There were many people in the car at one time, and a girl took six seats. As a result, the car drove for a long time, and neither she nor anyone was allowed to sit in their seats. A big brother got angry, threw away the bag she occupied and sat down. The girl yelled at the eldest brother, and the eldest brother said, did you get the ticket? No ticket, no pen. Then the people next to him rushed in and took all six seats. 27. I didn't know soap flower when I first saw it in the supermarket. Later, my nephew insisted that my father bought a box. My nephew forgot to take it when he left At night, I took it and picked up a flower with water in my hand. It melted. I thought it was sugar! I put it in my mouth, but when I put it in my mouth, I can't spit it out. That's disgusting. This kind of sourness will never be forgotten. 28. My husband went shopping with a female classmate who had a secret crush for a long time, but I didn't expect to meet his wife. The wife deliberately said, "The young couple went shopping." My husband just wanted to explain, but I didn't expect that female classmate to lean over him and say, "By the way, where is your husband?" Didn't accompany you. "The wife said," My husband walks the dog. "29. My girlfriend throws things away when she quarrels with me. Some time ago, she broke my new local gold mobile phone, so I had to exchange it for a new one. The new one is good. They never break anything. . . 30. I have always been good at math. The goddess I secretly loved last time asked me, "aren't you good at math?" Let me ask you a question. 1+9+0=? . "Such a simple question rarely stumps me, does it? I casually replied "10 ~", and then she ran away crying and said, "You deserve it if you don't have a girlfriend. "3 1, my colleague is a fat man, and he is getting thinner and thinner recently. What's the problem? He said, "I lent my friend 10 thousand yuan before!" " Me: Did your friend break the contract? Worried about you! "He said," No, he's a fitness instructor. He rewarded me in the form of 50 private lessons. . . I just got back three thousand dollars! I don't want the remaining 7 thousand. It's never been so hard to get the bill. . . "32. I met a master in the morning and asked me if I had seen his dog. I said I didn't. He greeted me and told the dog that he had gone shopping, and I casually agreed. How should I communicate? 33. My daughter is eccentric. Teach her to be gentle and honest as a woman, and not to lose her temper easily. When she gets married in the future, her husband can't stand it. My daughter flew into a rage. "Oh, what do you mean? Your husband should listen to you, and my husband won't listen to me. " ....., alas, speechless. I don't know where my mother got the golden hair, so I don't understand. Doesn't my mother usually dislike dogs? Why do you want a dog ... later my mother told me that it was because my daughter had grown up and could not get married, so I wanted to raise children! Is this still your real mother? 35, the old classmates get together, everyone is together, drinking and chatting, which is quite happy, and I always laugh. At this time, the monitor said loudly: We haven't seen each other for many years, and they have changed a lot. Men become handsome and women become beautiful. Look, that's him. Yes, just him. Still so obscene. I also quickly looked at the past. Who is talking about what? Look left and right. What are you all watching me do? . . 36. My good friends are on guard for me now! The reason is that I talked to him and his wife on the side of the road the other day. His wife kept saying it was hot, hot and hot, so I replied, "Sister-in-law might as well go to my house to blow air conditioning!" " 37. Today, two female colleagues in the company are chatting. One said to the other: My husband is going out on a business trip for half a month, and there is a camera at home. Am I that kind of person? Don't trust me so much! The more I think about it, the angrier I get. As soon as he left, I smashed the camera and found it was an empty shell, full of money and a bank card. . .

Let me tell some funny jokes.

As graduation approached that year, the students invited the teacher to take a group photo. The female teacher suggested bringing my toilet, with pies on it! The students entered the teacher's dormitory and finally found it after a long search. Don't laugh, it's true! It turned out that the teacher said it was a satchel!

When the Northeast Field Army entered the customs, eight mules pulled artillery carts. After seeing it, an old man ran back panting and said to the villagers, "Go and have a look. Eight cannons pulled a big mule on the north street! "

Everyone bent over with laughter. It's true that he said he didn't laugh!

There is also a folk story about a man obsessed with money who climbed into a magpie's nest to find "invisible grass" and asked his daughter-in-law if she could still see me. Daughter-in-law said she could see! After asking for ten times, my wife said she was bored and couldn't stand it.

He was ecstatic, so he took the grass and stole it from his neighbor's house. The neighbors thought it was owned by the villagers, so they ignored it and pretended not to see it.

He became more and more courageous and stole the seal of the county magistrate! Being caught and beaten, he said, "My Lord, don't kill my invisible grass!"!

Our slogan: "You are happy, I am happy, and everyone is happy". For this goal, I have been working hard! In the spirit of "it is better to play alone than with others", share some funny jokes I collected, hoping to bring you joy! Not much to say, below.

1, Grandpa, are you so thin now? Moonlight people really can't afford to get hurt, please let go. !

I guess this woman must have graduated from sports school and practiced professional skills every day. ...

3, hahaha, I found that today's grandmothers are funnier than young people!

4, this is simply me on the day of salary!

This is what the multiple-choice question looks like when you haven't reviewed your wool for the exam! It's so real! It is said that the multiple-choice formula here is not easy to use ...

7. Indeed, different people have different views. ...

8. Handwork is really good. Married life must be very happy!

9, come on, hurt each other! You don't scare me. ...

Telling two jokes is actually a true story that happened in the countryside in the sixties and seventies, not a fabrication.

1. An old farmer often listened to the radio, and as a result, he listened to the outside world. He said to several companions who were chatting in the sun together: "I found that Norodom and Sihanouk are closely related. They will be together forever! "

Second, several young people were talking about studying Chairman Mao's works, and it happened that an old man in the village passed by them. Hearing their conversation, the old man stopped and taught them with a straight face: "I heard your statement is wrong." How can we learn from Chairman Mao? " You must always study! "

One cold winter, a psychopath ran to the market with bare feet and bare arms, waving a kitchen knife in his hand. As a result, the crowd fled everywhere. Soon, the mental patient stared at a person, who was frightened and ran forward desperately, and he chased after him hard.

Finally, the man was exhausted and couldn't run. He covered his head and legs with his hands. As soon as his eyes closed, he thought it was over and his body collapsed on the ground.

Who knows that the mental patient walked up to the man, handed him the knife and said, "Now it's your turn to chase me." . Hearing this, the man immediately fainted. It turns out that this is a game and a dream, and there are surprises everywhere in life.

Sleepless tonight, let me tell you a true thing:

It was a late autumn night in 1992, and it was raining in Mao Mao outside.

My husband and friends are playing mahjong in Westinghouse, and I am sleeping in the East Room. It's nearly ten o'clock. My husband said to the mahjong watcher, "Go to that room and have a look. I think someone came in. Old four looked into the room through the door and came back to tell my husband that no one was there. Maybe it's my sister-in-law After half an hour, the more he thought about it, the more wrong he was. He said that your sister-in-law should turn on the light when she goes out and comes in. Old four, bring me two. I'm going to have a look. I'm afraid to wake me up and dare not speak loudly. This man said I wouldn't go. This is my sister's house. My husband said loudly that you should go for me. I woke up thinking I had a fight with mahjong. The mahjong players in that family thought they had quarreled with me and ran over. The man kept repeating that this was my sister's house. If I don't go, many people will be dragged off the kang before leaving. After she left, her husband's friend joked that it was a loss.

For a long time, an important reality is that the living standards in rural areas are far from those in cities.

In recent years, convenient "paper drawing" has become popular in cities. Some "busybodies" teased the mouths of rural people: "We rural people finally learned to wipe our bottoms with toilet paper, and city people wiped their mouths with toilet paper again!"

Smile, ten years old!

That's hilarious. You have found the right person. Don't believe it? Let's try it.

1. A buddy went to an interview and didn't find the way, so he called the interview company. The company staff said, "Hello, our company is on Ziyuan Road. Where are you now? " The buddy looked at the sign and said, "I'm on Xinyuan Road." Company personnel: "Xinyuan Road? Which Xin ". The buddy replied: "A wooden character, a symplectic character." Company personnel: "well, you don't have to come for an interview."

2. Jiangsu Satellite TV has three treasures: question and answer, blind date and two bald spoons. Three treasures of Zhejiang Satellite TV: Mai Ba, Dance and Jiaduobao. Liaoning Satellite TV has three treasures: Benshan, Ai Xiang and Xie Dajiao. Anhui tv has three treasures: popularization, Hong Kong opera and high style. Three treasures of Hunan Satellite TV: He Jiong, Wang Han and Bo Qiong Yao. CCTV has three treasures: a harmonious, stable and beautiful life. Shandong Satellite TV has three treasures: Lan Xiang, Tianlun Infertility and Fu Honghui Doll! ? Please support those who agree! !

I don't want to chat with people now, but I usually "eat" and "I'll take a shower first". Not as cool as our primary school.

At school, my father was my high school math teacher, and I was a math scum. In the monthly exam that year, I learned that the math paper was written by my father. In order not to be scolded, I set the alarm clock at 3: 30 in the middle of the night and climbed into my father's bedroom for fear that the wooden floor would creak. It's really crawling. I'm afraid of stealing paper. Fortunately, I'm not greedy at all. I didn't copy the questions 150 just passed. I don't know how difficult that set of papers is. Two students in the whole grade 13 class passed, one was a top class in science, and the other was me, a scum of liberal arts mathematics.

A male colleague in the company is surnamed Kang, and everyone likes to call him "Master Kong"! At noon, a female colleague smiled and said to him, "Master Kong, can I hit on you?" I only heard Master Kong say coldly, "That depends on whether you have enough water!" The whole company is quiet!

6. Taobao buys more than 50 rice cookers, which can cook rice and porridge, then buys more than 20 bags of rice, cooks porridge every day, and buys a pack of mustard tuber for one yuan. Feel tasteless? A sausage of about 70 cents in the vegetable market is cooked together, and if it doesn't work, two sausages will be cooked together. You can also eat until 7 minutes full! Don't ask me why I'm so clear. It's been almost two months, from 160 kg to 1 10 kg!

The patient jumped down from the operating bed and ran to the dean to complain; "As soon as I entered, I listened to the nurse. Don't be afraid, appendectomy is very simple, be brave. " Dean said; Yeah, that's right Patience; But the nurse told the doctor who was going to operate on me. He spit everywhere as before, but he forgot to wear a mask. 1111son asked; "Dad, what do you mean by procrastination?" I said; "I will tell you later." Lao Wang often quarrels with his wife. As soon as he quarrels, his wife will go back to her mother's house, regardless of Lao Wang. In the long run, she will get used to it. On this day, we quarreled again, blaming Lao Wang. Lao Wang regrets a little and wants to pick her up. When I arrived at my father-in-law's house, as soon as I entered, my father-in-law said; "rectified, also see you two, your daughter-in-law? Why don't you come back together?

On the eve of Mid-Autumn Festival last year, I invited some friends to get together. Long time no see. Nice to meet you. Naturally, I will take out the wine that has been treasured for more than ten years to entertain guests. Although it is the first time for a stranger brought by a friend to meet, it seems that they have known each other for a long time through introduction. On holidays, it is indispensable to have a good drink. After three rounds of drinking, a namesake I'm not familiar with is no longer a good drinker. In the Central Plains, it is an old tradition to toast in circles on the wine table. When it was his turn to propose a toast, he barely pulled himself together and toasted one by one. When I came to see me, I was probably delirious and said, "What's your last name?" I said I had the same surname as you. He said, "Well, let's propose a toast to you." After we drank two cups in a row, he became unstable and soon sat under the table. Soon after, he said he was not feeling well and was quickly sent to the health center for intravenous drip. When he woke up, he said, "Old Cool is delicious, but it's a pity to drink less"!