A rich man asked a painter to paint his portrait. After painting, he refused to pay the agreed 5000 yuan.

Pay, the reason is: "I didn't draw it at all."

Soon, the painter publicly exhibited the portrait of this hat, entitled "Thief". When the rich man knew about it, he was very sad.

I was angry and called the painter to protest.

"What does this have to do with you?" The painter said calmly, "that painting is not you at all!" " "

The rich had to buy the painting and change its name to philanthropist.

Two artists

Zhuofu Kosef was an ancient Greek artist. Once, a bunch of grapes he painted were vivid and attracted him.

Birds from all directions are scrambling to peck, and another artist, Balasy, said, "I try to surpass you!" " "

Soon, he took his paintings to see Zhuofu Kose. He just wanted to see Pakistan.

Lacey's painting anxiously shouted, "Open the curtain on the painting quickly, I want to see your painting!" " "

Look! But I painted curtains! "

"You have surpassed me!" Trevor Kose said, "I only lied to birds, and so did you."

Is an artist. "

Imperial stormtroopers and painters

Berlin 1932. On the old west side, Max? There is a villa next door to Lieberman's house, but

It became a training school for stormtroopers. One day, a stormtrooper looked through the low wall of the garden.

Lieberman paints. Finally, the stormtroopers said, "Professor, as far as a Jew is concerned, you

What a wonderful oak painting. "

Lieberman replied, "As far as the stormtroopers are concerned, you are still very artistic."

Force. "

have one's wish fulfilled

In the art gallery, a man sat down to admire an oil painting and said, "What a pity!" "

Fan's masterpiece of genius. "He whispered to the painter standing by," I wish I could put these strange things.

Take the color home. "

"You will get what you want." The painter replied, "You are sitting on my palette."

Shameful person

York is a famous miser. On this day, he asked Jesse to draw a charcoal painting for him, but he didn't want to pay.

Money, Jesse knows who he is and is determined to cure him. Soon, it was finished.

York looked at it and asked in surprise, "Why did you only draw the back?"

Jesse replied, "Like you, you can't face people."

portraitist

A gentleman finally became famous, so he invited a painter to his home.

"I invite you to come for nothing but to draw a portrait for me, hoping that you will try your best to capture my God.

form

The painter stared at the gentleman's face for a while and sighed, "I'm sorry!" " I'm not a painter.

Paint. "

An angel with six fingers

The painter who painted murals for the church painted the little angel with six fingers.

"When have you ever seen an angel with six fingers?" The priest said angrily.

"No," replied the painter, "but have you ever seen an angel with five fingers?"

A place for fakes.

The painter Gold placer visited an upstart's house, and the owner was very proud of his paintings.

But when the painter looks at the paintings, they are all eagle products.

The master said that he would donate these Tibetan paintings after his death. I specifically asked which organization the placer gold was donated to the most.

Suitable. The painter replied lazily, "I think it's best to donate it to the National Institute for the Blind."

masterpiece

Italian painter Pietro? Annigoni has been talking about it:

"I was disappointed when my landlord decided to sell the studio I rented, but I thought of a way.

An idea. I think if there are several cracks in the wall of the house, it will definitely not be easy to sell. because

Here, I drew several cracks-straight down from the ceiling above the window.

Particularly realistic.

"The wonderful result simply exceeded my expectations-/kloc-not even a buyer for 0/8 months.

If I have ever created any masterpieces, it is these cracks. "

landscape painter

"Why do you specialize in landscape painting?"

"Because until now, no tree has bothered me, saying that my painting is a bit.

None of them look alike. "

authenticate

In the exhibition hall of the art museum, Liadov pointed to a picture and asked Shugayev who came with him:

"Do you know this picture, is it sunrise or sunset?"

"It's the sunset glow." Shugayev said with great certainty. "

"How do you know?"

"I know this painter. He never gets up before 9 o'clock. "

A poor painter

"I want to paint the walls of this room and draw some pictures on it," said the painter.

"You'd better draw on the wall first, and then paint it!" The painter's friend advised the painter to say.

sketch

Igor brought his girlfriend home for the first time. In order to show his talent, he put his own.

Take out the sketch for her to appreciate.

"Yes, these sketches are comparable to those drawn by my brother," said my girlfriend.

"Is your brother an art major?"

"No, he is a third-grade student."

Draw a portrait

A rich widow asked a painter to paint a portrait of her late husband.

"Well," said the painter, "do you have any of his paintings?"

"Well, no .. I asked you to draw a portrait just because there were no photos."

"So, madam, how can I draw a portrait?"

"How you draw has nothing to do with me, it's your business. As for me, I can only tell you: he

His eyes are gray, his hair is black, he has a moustache on his mouth, and he smiles all day. "

"All right!" The painter said.

A month later, he came to the widow's house, took out the portrait and put it on the niche.

The widow stared for a while, then shouted, "Oh, he has changed!" " "

Avantgarde painter

Pierre was one of the portrait painters who gathered in Mon martel. He is an avant-garde painter.

Go home.

On one occasion, he held an exhibition of paintings on the banks of the Seine and hung all his works. have

A woman in her fifties passed by, saw his painting and said, "Gee, this painting is really beautiful. eye

Eyes like that, nose like that, mouth is triangular! "

Pierre said to the old woman, "Welcome, madam. This is exactly the modern beauty I described. "

Ah! "

"oh! Great! Young man, are you married? I put a picture similar to this one.

Will the same daughter marry you? "

oil painting

In the Louvre, two American tycoons stand in front of the oil painting The Birth of Jesus.

"I simply don't understand," said one. "How can they live without the most basic living conditions?

Yao Yisheng. Look, the child is lying directly on the hay. "

"Don't you know that Jesus' parents are poor? "

"Poor? Then how can they afford an expensive painter like Titian to paint for them?

And then what? "

Have a good housekeeping style

One night, I went to the art gallery to see an exhibition and was enjoying a painting made of rope, Fire.

I was collaging a logo, a wire filter, a photo of Aauto Quicker and an abstract painting of a broken car when I heard a picture next to it.

The woman whispered to another woman, "This is enough to prove-never throw anything away."

As long as the price is specific

My daughter married an abstract painter. One day, she came back and said to her mother, "My husband drew a net.

That kind of abstract painting! "

"Son, let him draw! Whether it is abstract or not, as long as it can be sold at a specific price! "

tacit understanding

The wife of the abstract painter said to her best friend, "My husband and I have a tacit understanding. Every day, he

Draw, I cook, and then I guess what he draws; Finally, guess what I prepared.

rice. "

Rich man and painter

A rich man asked a painter to draw a picture of Pharaoh and his army submerged in the Red Sea.

But he refused to pay more, argued with the painter for a long time, and finally agreed to pay half price.

Two days later, the painter came to see the rich man and opened the picture. This picture is painted red, but it isn't.

There is a man. The rich man roared, "Is this the picture I asked you to draw?"

"yes." The painter said, "Look, this piece of red is the Red Sea."

"Where are the Israelis?"

"Cross the Red Sea."

"Pharaoh and Pharaoh's army?"

"It's all flooded into the sea."

An amazing painting.

A student who is addicted to abstract painting and stereoscopic painting spends most of his time on exhibitions.

I went to buy famous paintings, but many of them were not satisfied. Finally, he fell in love with a picture with black spots on a white background and a copper frame.

Instead, I asked the staff of the exhibition, "What is the price of this painting?"

"This is the electrical switch on the wall."

Impressionist painting

An impressionist painter painted a work entitled Sunrise and sent it to the exhibition.

In the exhibition, the staff hung this masterpiece upside down out of ignorance or negligence.

Yes They were about to correct it when the painter stopped them and said, "No need."

He picked up a pen and changed the title of his work to Sunset.

Modernist design

Geberi, who is taking an art design class at the university, heard the bell and rushed out. He has one.

Dating. Geberi accidentally knocked a big bottle of glue off the ground, and the bottle broke, and both the glass and the glue broke.

Mix with water and rubber brush. Geberi wants to wait until the glue dries. It might be easier to clean up.

Gee, so I ran away without packing.

Geberi came back from an appointment and found that the messy things were gone, which was very strange.

Strange, I told a teacher about the situation. Hearing this, the teacher exclaimed in surprise, "The original one.

That's how it happened! Some people hand it in as a modernist design exercise. "

Because of the old-fashioned contempt for women, it used to be a metaphor for a mediocre opinion.

A painter held a solo exhibition. A lady came to the exhibition room and stood in front of a painting to study.

After a long time, he said, "If only I could know the author of this painting!" " "

The painter standing by came up and said, "Madam, I am."

The lady said, "This painting is great! Can you tell me that the lady in the picture makes skirts?

Who is the tailor of Zi? "

Inconceivable

In an art gallery, a woman stood in front of a portrait of a dress.

A tramp in rags. "Think about it!" She said loudly, "I don't even have the money to buy a decent dress, but

You can also ask the painter to paint his portrait. "

Observation and diagnosis

Morse, the inventor of the American telegraph, was a famous painter before he invented the telegraph. Once, he invited

A medical friend was invited to visit his studio. When the friend saw the painting of the dying man, he objected.

After careful observation, Morse was happy and asked, "What's your comment?"

The doctor said positively, "This man has malaria."

Eggs (of hens)

At a modern art exhibition, a man stood in front of a painting and looked at it carefully. At the same time,

He said to the painter, "Your painting is so good that my mouth is watering."

The painter was surprised and asked, "Why do you drool when you see the sunset?"

The painter replied, "I thought you painted boiled eggs!" " "

I have children at home.

Hanman? Smith has just won a lottery ticket of 6,543,800 yuan, and he decided to buy some artworks. "I'm not good at this.

"Tao," he said to the gallery owner, "but I want to buy the most expensive painting. "

I happen to have the goods. "The boss replied happily, and then disappeared behind the curtain.

A few minutes later, he took out a huge white canvas with a lonely black spot in the middle.

"What is this?" Hanman asked.

"This is a masterpiece," replied the boss. "It's like symbolizing the uniqueness of God and his love.

Yes "

Hanman bought the painting at a high price. A few weeks later, he came to the gallery again.

"Mr Smith!" The boss cried. "

"I have a picture at hand, which matches the one you bought last month." He disappeared in the rain.

Behind the curtain, I took out a huge canvas with a black spot in the middle.

"What does this mean?" Hanman asked.

"My friend," replied the boss, "what you see here is integration. This is just coming to earth.

Adam and eve. This is the law of nature-created men and women are-"

"Stop it!" Hanman said. "I can't take it home-I have children at home!"

Ladies buy paintings.

A lady went to an art dealer to buy a painting. She chose a still life picture and drew it.

There are a bunch of flowers, a plate of ham and a bagel.

The lady asked, "How much is this?"

"Fifty dollars, very cheap."

"However, I saw a picture two days ago, almost exactly the same as this one, and it only sold for $25.

Yuan. "

"Then it must not be as good as this painting." The art dealer said very skillfully.

"No, I think it's better than this."

"Why?"

"There is much more ham in the saucer in that picture than in this one."

statue

Tourist: "Why is the posture of that statue so ugly?"

Guide: "well, we want to create a great man riding a horse." But here we are.

When shaping horses, there is not enough money. So ... "

Road artist

Visitors to the Place de la Concorde in Paris heard two "road artists" boasting.

Artistic skills.

Painter: "Last time I drew a gold Louis on the road, a beggar saw it and asked for it."

Go get it. "

Sculptor: "Fuck you, that's nothing! Once I carved a sausage and a dog.

Took it. After chewing for a long time, I found that sausages could not be eaten. "

slow motion

"Why do you treat this scene as slow motion?" The director asked the photographer.

"You are wrong, how is this slow motion? Isn't that why misers pay out of their trouser pockets?

Really? "

Time is at work

A Hollywood movie star thinks that the photographer's photos are not up to standard.

"I don't understand, what's wrong with you," she said to him. "The photo you took for me last time.

The photos are great! "

"Oh, yes," the photographer sighed, "but, madam, you may remember my situation at that time.

Young 10 years old. "

Drunk people take pictures.

A drunk broke into the photo studio. He said, "Please ... please take a picture of me ..."

"I'm glad, sir," said the photographer. "Please hold your partner's shoulder."

Aperture and shutter

Two photographers met in London. One of them said to the other, "I was underground this morning."

At the iron exit, I met an old and haggard beggar who asked me for money. He was shivering with cold. You have it on your face.

The wrinkles are thick. In the depressed street view, it is obvious that he is thin, miserable and helpless. After I saw it.

I feel very sad. "

"So, what did you give him?"

"I gave him an aperture of 3.5 and a shutter of one thousandth of a second."

The river is completely frozen.

On the stage of a drama in a small town, the hero in the play fell into the river. As needed, when this

After the protagonist enters the background, the girl who controls the sound effect should let out the gurgling sound of running water.

Who knows that this girl has a spirit, but she forgot this one. The actors on the stage pounded on the bed board,

But there is still no running water, and the stage is dead silent. After a while, the actor's soft voice came from one side of the stage:

"My goodness! The river is completely frozen! "

in an emergency

On the stage, the pistol didn't ring at the moment of killing the enemy. When we filmed it again, it was still silent.

Sound. The closed audience was in an uproar. The actor was at a loss for a moment. He raised his feet in a panic and gave the enemy a duel.

Kick it. The actor who plays the enemy is very experienced, only to see him fall to the ground slowly and then struggle.

Looked up and said in a weak voice:

"His boots ... turned out to be toxic, and I ... really couldn't help it ..."

Rehearsal episode

"This is nonsense!" The director shouted angrily to an actor, "In this scene, you are going to die."

Why did you suddenly laugh before? "

"With my monthly salary," replied the actor, "death is my best destination."

The director tells a play.

The director said to the actor, "the next shot should be like this, about 50 meters behind you."

A lion ran towards you, and finally it was only two steps away from almost throwing you down. "

"My God!" The actor said, "Have you made it clear to the lion?"

Refuse to shoot

The film director was going to shoot a scene of a man playing with a tiger, but the actor insisted.

Refuse to shoot.

"Don't be afraid," the director said to the actor. "The tiger who participated in the filming was born in the zoo.

Yes, it grew up drinking milk with a pacifier. "

"What does that mean?" The actor said. "I was born in a maternity hospital and was pregnant.

Rubber nipples grew up drinking milk, but I still like eating meat. "

It's true now.

The actors are rehearsing in the theater. The director pointed out the shortcomings of a young actor many times. she

The role played is an abandoned woman.

"All your performances are hypocritical and untrue. Please forgive me for being too blunt. you will

You must devote yourself to this role and understand her feelings. Imagine for yourself,

What would you do if your lover abandoned you? "

"I'll find another one right away."

I'm not afraid of your jokes.

"Are you an actor? I am a bank clerk. I'm not afraid of your jokes. I haven't 10 years.

Go to the theatre. "

"No," said the actor, "I haven't been to the bank for nearly 10 years."

year

One day, a magazine reporter took the liberty of asking a famous opera singer about her.

Age.

"I can't remember this clearly." The actor replied.

"Why?" The reporter was surprised. "Don't you even remember how old you are?"

"What's so strange about this! I think I should remember how much money I have, because

It can be stolen. As for my age, no one can steal it. "

A prophetic scene

A short, neurotic man walked into a shop. He said to his boss, "I think.

Buy all your rotten fruits and rotten eggs. "

"That's good. You probably went to the circus to see the new clown? " The boss said with a wink.

"shh ... keep your voice down." The buyer looked around and whispered, "I'm new here."

Ugly. "

A witty announcer

"Dear ladies and gentlemen, next, we will invite Shi, the champion of many international competitions.

Famous artists in the world played some wonderful music for us with the violin. "The announcer said to the audience.

"But I'm not a violinist at all," the artist said shyly to the announcer. "I

Pianist. "

"Ladies and gentlemen," said the announcer, "unfortunately, the violinist left his violin at home.

Therefore, he decided to play some piano music instead. This opportunity is even more rare. Please applaud. "

Don't have the patience.

A Hollywood woman, Minken, became noisy. She yelled hysterically at the director: "You hate it!"

Me, you hate me! I know, you just want me to die quickly and spit on my grave insidiously! "

"No, I don't have the patience to wait in such a long queue!"

Theater effect

Actor: "Today's theater effect is very surprising, and the audience applauded after I took the curtain call three times."

Director: "That's natural. Because you have a crooked nose. "

All the props are real.

"When I perform on the stage, the pearl necklace I wear must be real," said the wayward actress.

"Well, it may be true," the director said with a smile. "All the props are true. In the first act,

The pearl necklace is real, and so is the poison in the last scene ... "

Real pain

The director shouted excitedly: "Mr. Delong, the role of the wounded soldier you played is too vivid. You

The painful expression on her face is very vivid and wonderful! "

"This is really realistic. Before the performance, I put a nail in my shoe! "

"So that's it! You are really an artist. " The director said, "However, let's play the fugitive."

A game, but don't throw that guy away! "

Father's pride

A good violinist will try his best to put all his knowledge and skills about violin playing into practice.

To his son. My son finally succeeded. A friend said to the violinist, "You know what?"

Really? Your son plays better than you. "

"Of course," said the violinist with a proud smile on his face. "I have never met.

A teacher can compare with my son's teacher. "

Express appreciation/gratitude to [somebody]

A violinist was invited to be a guest. But he must play for every treat he receives.

Such as bed-"lullaby", bathing-Bach's unaccompanied Gavett Dance, serving food-

The Poet and Peasant ...

The violinist was exhausted after playing for a long time at the party on Sunday.

And he forced himself to complete the procedure representing the meal he had just eaten, and finally he thanked the coffee.

Dvorak's Humble Melody, when a sweet tune is about to start, the piano suddenly sounds.

Stop.

When the housewife asked angrily, the violinist replied, "Madam, you may not know me."

There is no sugar in our coffee. "

Until you can sing correctly.

An American singer performed for the first time in Lascar, and his first aria was popular.

The applause was strong and the audience shouted, "Do it again!" So he sang it again. The audience asked

He sang it again, then he sang it for the third time, the fourth time ... and finally he was exhausted. He has asthma.

"How many times do I have to sing this aria?" He asked breathlessly. Someone in the audience told him, "Straight!"

Until you can sing correctly! "

Make room for songs.

A singer bragged to his friends; "You listened to my singing yesterday! My voice

It's so loud that even the theater can't hold on! "

"Yes!" The friend replied, "although I didn't hear your voice, I saw the audience working hard."

Your voice made room and left the theater one by one! "

Singing star

The theater manager said to a singer, "Is your asking price too high? What are your expectations for the concert? "

The income is almost higher than our president's salary in January. "

"Then why don't you invite the president to sing on stage?"

I am a musician.

At a banquet, a woman with a hoarse voice insisted on singing "mine"

Songs from KFC's hometown. After singing, I bowed respectfully to everyone.

At this time, an old female guest cried sadly.

The host asked, "The mountain is too big. Are you from KFC? "

The old guest said, "No."

"Then why are you sad?"

"I am a musician!"

Give away a house

Two American singers are talking on purpose.

"My first novel was a great success." The first artist said, "The audience gave me a sense of freshness."

Flowers. It is more than enough for my wife to open a flower shop. "

Another artist replied, "Ah! That's nothing. This is my first time on stage.

At that time, my singing charmed the audience, and they gave me a house! "

"You are talking nonsense! There will be no such thing at all. "

"They did give me a house, of course, just throwing bricks once.

That's all. "

Be buried

On his deathbed, a musician urged his colleagues: "I must have a band when I am buried after death."

Play. "

"Ok, but excuse me, what kind of music do you like best?"

Birds and crows

A musician and a very famous but terrible critic were walking in the park.

At this time, a group of birds are singing in the branches.

The critic pointed to the birds and said, "They are the most talented musicians in the world."

Soon, a crow flew screaming. The musician pointed to the crow and said, "They are the best."

Critics! "

Find sb

A young man knocked on the composer's house and said, "Excuse me, engineer Rossi lives here."

Really? "

"No," replied the composer, "engineer Rosie's home is two octaves higher than mine."

gift

After singing "If I were a Bird", the female singer ran to the stage and asked the composer, "Did I sing well?

Okay？ "

The composer said angrily, "If I had a vulture, I would definitely give it to you as a gift."

lullaby

Composer, "It took me 10 years to write this lullaby."

Publisher: "What took you so long?"

Composer, "it always urges me to sleep!" " "

Lead singer

An ambitious young conductor was very dissatisfied with the performance of the band during rehearsal because

Stop at this time and correct them one by one. A wind musician finally lost his temper and was very angry with the conductor.

Roar: "if you keep nagging like this, we will fight according to your command tonight!" " "

conductor

The orchestra is rehearsing.

The conductor stopped the baton and said loudly, "Attention, the second trumpeter can't pronounce correctly."

The players said, "The second trumpeter didn't show up at all."

The conductor said; "That's nothing. Tell him when we arrive."

Dance alone

A young conductor and an Athenian band lined up in the ancient amphitheater in Idafu.

practice Three shepherds watched the scene on the steps of the theater.

A few minutes later, a shepherd boy said enviously to his friends, "Look! These trumpeters really do.

Skill, can let this person dance alone. "

Mixed chorus

After watching the performance, an audience walked up to the person in charge of the theater with the program and asked him, "yours?"

The program clearly says' mixed chorus', but there are only men in the choir. What happened? "

"Yes, because only half of them can sing, and the other half can't-they are mixed-race."

drama

"This is the first time I have seen such a boring play."

"no! I have never seen such an interesting fight. "

What is an opera?

"What is an opera?" Little Peter asked his father.

"In the opera," dad replied, "when a man on the stage was stabbed in the chest by the enemy with a dagger.

He will sing loudly for a long time to the bleeding. "

return a ticket

Halfway through the first act of the opera, an audience left the theater and demanded a refund.

"Don't you like opera?" Asked the conductor.

"No, I like it very much."

"Maybe your seat is not good?"

"The seats are also very good."

"Then why can't you find it?"

"I feel a little scared sitting in such a big theater with no one to accompany me."

Damn Desdemona.

The opera Othello is being staged in the theater, played by Desdemona, who lacks acting talent.

A capable new actor. When Othello tried to strangle her, applause rang out in the hall: "Yes, simple!" "

Strangle her! "

comedy

Teacher: "What about the play I recommended for you? That's a comedy. It must be good.

Interesting, right? "

Student: "This is not a comedy, but a tragedy."

Teacher: "How is that possible?"

Student: "The whole theater has only 16 audience. Isn't this a tragedy? "

tragedy

A tragic writer said to his wife, "Dear, can you help me make a sponge pillow?"

Boss? "

"For what?"

"Every time I finish writing the script, I will lie on this sponge pillow and watch it again, so that tears will flow down.

Drop it on this pillow, squeeze out the tears after reading it, and you will know the effect of the script by watching the number of tears.

For better or worse. "

Inform on (sb)

After the concert, the conductor received a note from the audience, which read: "I"

Not a snitch, sir. But my conscience forces me to reflect this situation to you. Throughout the performance,

On the trip, I found the guy sitting next to the drum very lazy. He is only when you look at him.

Wait, just pretend to wave a few times. "

An flattered pianist.

A famous Jewish pianist gave a concert at the home of an earl in Vienna. After the applause subsided,

The count approached the pianist kindly and said, "I've heard of Rubinstein …" Jewish pianist.

Pangre surprised, hurriedly bowed. The count continued, "I've heard of Selking ..." Pianist.

Bow again and bend lower. The count finally finished what he said ... no one liked it. "

You are sweating like a pig! "

Listen to who?

At the concert, a famous singer was singing, but at this moment, a listener was trembling.

Sing along.

"Like a cow!" His neighbor said angrily.

"Who? Is it me? " The man asked quickly.

"No, no, not you, the singer. He interfered with our appreciation of your singing. "

silent

Claude, the former French ambassador to the United States, loves music and once listened to Beethoven's symphony at a concert.

During the happy hour, a talkative woman asked him, "Ambassador, is there anything more beautiful than music?"

Claude replied coldly, "Yes, Madam is silent."

ballet

"Do you like ballet?"

"Very much. I just don't understand why those girls have to stand on tiptoe when dancing.

If you are too short, why not choose some tall girls when choosing actors! "