There are no children who are not sensible in the world. Children should be sensible, and parents should first be reasonable, reasonable, and reasonable is more reasonable than what they say.

0 1

The more parents like to be reasonable.

Children are often more disobedient.

"Reasoning" is a kind of education method that many parents like and has always been positively respected.

However, people often find that reasoning is useless to many children. The more parents like to reason, the less obedient their children are.

One parent said that her 7-year-old daughter was so rebellious that she would do anything if she was not allowed to do it. She often tries her best to reason with her children, but the children don't listen, which makes parents often lose their temper.

She knows it's wrong to beat and scold the child, but she doesn't know what to do. She told such a thing:

She lives on the fifth floor of an apartment building. There was no elevator, so she went up and down the stairs. Recently, my daughter especially likes going downstairs like this: one arm rests on the handrail of the stairs, and the arm slides down hard, not hard.

Mother doesn't allow children to do this, saying that if the handrails of the stairs are not cleaned at ordinary times, the clothes will be dirty and worn out.

But when I went downstairs again, the children did that again and again, and the parents finally lost patience and lost their temper. Children dare not do that in front of their parents, but look for every opportunity to sneak downstairs like that. Clothes are often dirty under the sleeves.

After stating the matter, the parents added in a disappointed tone: My children are not as sensible as other children by nature. I actually respect her. I don't know how many times I told her the truth, but she didn't seem to listen to a word.

I told my parents that since you found it useless to be reasonable, it at least showed that it was wrong to be reasonable in this matter. If you find something wrong, you should stop it immediately.

My parents looked puzzled and asked me emotionally, is it wrong to reason? Then how to educate her?

I said, it's simple. Go home and find two rags. You and your children can wipe the handrail of the stairs from top to bottom, which not only does public welfare, but also satisfies the fun of children using their hands and feet to go downstairs. Try it and see how it works.

Hearing this, my parents suddenly realized, yes, it's so simple, why didn't I think of it! Why do I just want to reason with her?

The reason why this parent didn't think of it was that she had been only concerned about what she said was "reasonable" and never thought about what she did was unreasonable.

In this case, the child just wants to take the stairs in another way, and the parents don't sympathize with the child. They don't give children such a small childlike interest and can't tolerate such a simple attempt. This is completely inconsistent with what parents say about "respecting" their children.

There are no children who are not sensible in the world. Children should be sensible, and parents should be reasonable first, which is much more important than being reasonable.

Dewey, an educator, believes that education is not a matter of "talking" and being talked about, but a positive and constructive process. This principle is almost universally recognized in theory, but it has been violated in practice.

To make children "understand the truth", we should not just tell them the truth, but first let them have the opportunity to gain continuous experience in practice.

I once saw a news that Zhang Zhongliang and his wife adopted 10 orphans in Panyu, Guangzhou. When a child does something wrong, Mr. and Mrs. Zhang Zhongliang don't scold or preach the truth, but let the child understand a truth through experience.

For example, once, Zhang Zhongliang asked his youngest daughter, Moon, to go out to play with her invisible sister, Mei Chun. Somehow, the moon left Meichun outside and came back alone.

Zhang Zhongliang didn't say much after she knew it, but let Xiaoyue have an experience: cover her eyes with a towel and let her walk outside by herself. Since then, the moon has become particularly sensible.

This detail is enough to make us admire Zhang Zhongliang and his wife even more. They may not have studied pedagogy or psychology, but they have such a thorough understanding of education. Without their true love for their children, it is impossible to have this understanding.

"Teaching by example" is a classic educational method that has been passed down through the ages. Theoretically, people all agree that when encountering problems, most people's first thought is always how to persuade children and how to reason with them.

For example, I often receive such letters: young parents describe in detail how the elderly take care of their children, which leads to many problems for the children, but the following question is: "In this case, how can I reason with the children and let them correct their shortcomings?"

There are also many parents and children who are subjected to cold violence by school teachers, which leads to children's weariness of learning. Instead of trying to reflect to the school, solve the teacher's problems, and not trying to communicate with the teacher, my parents asked me, "How can I do ideological work for my children so that they will no longer be tired of learning?"

-I often encounter such strange logic. It is obvious that adults are doing something wrong and hurting children, but they are aiming at children, hoping that children can improve their state by talking and saying something. How is that possible?

02

Take "Reasoning" as Education

This is almost a common problem of "problem parents"

People's preference for "reasoning" often stems from the inertia of thinking.

People who have received too much "truth" education at home and school since childhood often become lovers of truth. In their experience and understanding, the relationship between educators and educatees is the relationship between being told and being told; The so-called education means that "people who understand" speak to "people who don't understand".

So they show their responsibility and love for their children, that is, to tell them how to do everything. However, this unilateralist way of thinking is the easiest way to get into the educational dilemma.

A parent said that when he had no children, he despised those who beat children and felt that adults were really incompetent in conquering children by force. After he had his own son, he always patiently reasoned with him when he encountered problems.

But as the child grew up, he found that his pursuit of "convincing people by reasoning" became more and more unworkable.

Children are often stubborn and rebellious. No matter what their parents say, they just don't listen. So he began to doubt whether he had done the right thing, and people around him told him from time to time that educating boys should be rough. Just tell him what is right and what is wrong. There is nothing to discuss. He must obey and use force if he can't.

As a result, he had two conflicts with his children, and he couldn't help it, so he moved his hand on the children. Only then did he realize that he was at the end of his rope and had degenerated into the kind of parents he once despised.

This parent's approach is very representative. Many parents, including many school teachers, often can't get rid of this routine when facing some problems of their children:

Be reasonable first, criticize if you can't be reasonable, and conquer if you can't be reasonable.

Or make a fuss about children's feelings, such as stating how much effort I have made for you, but you are so ignorant ... to "influence" children.

Rousseau, a thinker, said that three educational methods are not only useless but also harmful to children: being reasonable, losing one's temper and deliberately moving.

This important reminder has existed for a hundred years, but these three methods are exactly what many parents practice and use most skillfully.

Whenever I quote Rousseau on different occasions, it always causes others' doubts and confusion:

If the child doesn't listen to advice, what can he do except get angry or influence him? Shouldn't we educate him?

It is of course necessary to educate children, but forcing children to accept the "truth" spoken by their parents in principle is to exert brute force and to show laziness and rough thinking. It will not help solve the problem, but will make it more complicated and fatal.

Education is an art, which emphasizes simplicity and exquisiteness. It may be much better to change the "reasonable" mentality and be flexible.

There is a mother who began to brush her children's teeth every night when they were one and a half years old. But the little guy doesn't cooperate, so it's no use letting her talk. Brushing your teeth has become a daily war, which always makes both sides unhappy.

Later, my mother had an idea. The child has a bear toy that she likes very much. Before brushing your teeth at night, the mother said to the child, "Baby, the bear hasn't brushed his teeth for so long, and he has toothache and dental caries." Will you help him brush his teeth? " The child happily holds the toothbrush prepared by his mother and helps the bear brush it.

After brushing the bear's teeth, the mother praised the child for brushing his teeth well and said, "The bear is really good. It's really good to brush his teeth. " Then ask the child: "Does the baby want the bear to see that you are fine, and you will brush your teeth with your mother?" The child happily agreed and cooperated with his mother to brush his teeth as never before. After a few days, the child is no longer tired of brushing his teeth.

Another parent said that his 4-year-old child has two problems, one is disobedience and the other is crying. Ask me what to do. I asked him to give a recent example of disobedience.

He said that the children always go downstairs to play before going to bed these days. No matter what parents told him, it was dark outside, and the child had gone home. He would play again tomorrow, but the child wouldn't listen and cried to go downstairs.

I said, the two problems you mentioned are actually one and can be solved together. From today on, listen to your children as much as possible. If he wants to go downstairs before going to bed, you should work harder and carry him downstairs. He can stay downstairs as long as he wants, and he can take similar measures in other things.

My parents were a little surprised and worried, but they did as I said after they went back, and the result surprised him.

He later told me that the child had to go downstairs again before going to bed that day. Without saying anything, the parents happily dressed him and took him downstairs.

It was dark outside, the cold wind roared, and there was no one downstairs. As soon as he put the child on the ground, the child asked him to take it home.

My parents deliberately said that since I came down, I would stay a little longer. The child refused to stay any longer, saying that he wanted to go home and sleep. After returning home, the child suddenly became very obedient, let him brush his teeth and let him undress.

From then on, parents talk less and do more on other minor matters, and listen to their children's opinions as much as possible. In this way, the crying of children is greatly reduced.

More than two thousand years ago, Xunzi divided effective education and ineffective education into "the study of gentlemen" and "the study of villains".

The "gentleman's learning" goes from ear to heart, spreads all over the body, and affects behavior; "Little people's learning" goes in from the ear and out from the mouth, only 4 inches long, and it is difficult to influence the whole person.

In the words of Rousseau, a thinker, "a cold theory can only affect our views, but can't determine our behavior;" It can make us believe it, but it can't make us act on it. It reveals what we should think, not what we should do. "

Modern psychological research confirms the view of eastern and western philosophers: the distance between reasoning and accepting truth may be far away.

Whether a person can accept other people's views depends first on emotions, second on the behavior of the other party, and finally on the language of the other party-adults still do, let alone children.

03

Dogma is not important, but education is important.

Being an "unreasonable" parent does not completely deny the necessity of speech, but emphasizes the appropriateness of oral education and the importance of behavioral education. Here are three other suggestions.

"Reasoning" must not be duplicitous.

If you want to tell your child something, you must first make sure that you believe in this "truth".

I often meet parents with different opinions at work. For example, some parents obviously care about their children's test scores, but the question they ask me is: How to do ideological work for children when their test scores are not good, so that children don't care about scores?

Understanding "how to say" only as a speaking skill is one of the important reasons why some people can't get to the point in education.

Just like where a person's thoughts go, where language goes should also be where a person's thoughts go.

Instead of asking others for speaking skills, it is better to calm down and think about it. What am I thinking?

Avoid instilling vulgar values in children.

We can often see this situation in our lives. Some parents are not noble, but they are keen to convey some unwise opinions and even some vulgar life experiences to their children.

For example, some parents suggest that children don't have to help other students in their studies, which wastes time and is easy to be surpassed by others. Life is competition. When others are ahead, you are behind.

From these so-called principles of life, children learn tricks and calculations, but they can't learn big minds and big feelings. Such "reasoning" is actually lowering the child's vision and mind, and the bondage limits his development.

The real preparation of education is to improve yourself. If you want to tell your child that he can fly, parents themselves must have a blue sky mind and height.

If you feel that you are not tall enough and don't know what to say, it is better to say nothing than nonsense.

Never make "unreasonable" unreasonable.

Some parents really seldom reason with their children. They are very direct, scolding or hitting children when three sentences are wrong. This is not what we call "unreasonable" here, but unreasonable.

Some parents are simple and rude to their children, but afterwards they beautify their behavior. For example, hit a child and say affectionately, "Why did I hit you, son?" You can find a fig leaf for your behavior by grandstanding.

This is simply robber logic, very melodramatic, and it is a deeper irrationality.

"Reasoning" is the worst policy, losing your temper is the worst policy, and losing your temper plus hypocrisy is the worst policy.

In short, dogma is not important, but education is important.

Rousseau said that telling the truth in everything is the hobby of narrow-minded people. A man with verve has another language, through which he can persuade people and take action.

If children want to understand the truth, parents should talk less and act reasonably, so that children can understand the truth-like tongue twisters-which is the truth of education.

04

You might as well do something else if the child doesn't listen to reason.

Children sometimes do have some unreasonable ideas, which bring trouble to their parents.

In this case, in addition to trying to communicate with the child, we should also feel his thoughts and wishes from the child's point of view, and don't easily judge that the child is "disobedient."

Of course, parents can tell their children some correct truths directly, but if their children don't listen, they should consider changing their statements.

Practice has proved that from the emotional point of view, children are most likely to accept a point of view. By asking and answering questions, children can be mobilized to think and stimulate the beautiful side of their nature.

This method always works.

A mother said that before her son was 3 years old, he didn't pay attention to closing the door when he went to the toilet, and the children often followed. Later, she felt that the children were becoming more and more sensible. Seeing him squatting in the toilet, I stopped letting him in. The child wouldn't listen and had to come in.

The mother patiently reasoned with the child, but it was useless. The mother had to forcibly lock the door, and the child knocked on the door every time, crying at the top of his lungs, and even cried and vomited once.

Since then, the child's attention has been focused on the fact that his mother went to the toilet. Even if he is playing with his grandmother or watching TV, when his mother wants to sneak into the bathroom, he will somehow find that he will immediately leave what he is doing and rush over and shout "Don't let his mother go to the bathroom".

Mother is very worried. Going to the toilet every day has become a police competition to catch thieves. I feel really tired.

I told her that since the reason had been explained before, it was useless, so don't say it again. It may be better to do ideological work for children in another way by asking questions. I suggested that she ask the child three questions.

The first question: "If mom is not allowed to go to the toilet, do you think it's better for mom to wet her pants or the toilet?"

Most children can solve the first problem and will quickly judge that it is not good to wet their pants.

Once the child gives this answer, most of them will not stop their mother from going to the toilet. Individual children, because they have been entangled with their parents for a long time, may deliberately answer awkwardly, saying that it is good to pee their pants, and then their parents ask the second question.

"Do you like your mother to be happy or unhappy?"

Under normal circumstances, children will definitely choose to like their mothers to be happy. Just as parents instinctively love their children, children instinctively love their parents and are willing to please them, so few children will choose to make their mothers unhappy on this issue.

The purpose of asking this question is to guide children to make new choices on the first question. If the child makes the right choice again, he should sincerely express his happiness and be sure that the child is very sensible.

Then let the child wait outside, give him an expectation, and let him come out for a while to see if his mother is happy or unhappy.

For a young child, you can feel the happiness of making the right choice once or twice. Seeing that your mother is happy because of her choice and strengthening her positive psychology, most problems will be solved.

In case your child is really special and can't reach this point, stubbornly choose to be unhappy with his mother, then continue to ask the third question.

"Do you want mom to be unhappy just today or tomorrow?"

I hardly believe that any child will continue to choose to make his mother unhappy. As long as he chooses to make his mother happy tomorrow, things can go back to the first question and be solved according to the previous routine.

The most unexpected thing is that the child continues to choose tomorrow and does not make his mother happy. The next day, mom can ask the same question: mom is unhappy today because she can't go to the toilet normally. Do you want her to be happy tomorrow? Parents should be calm and sincere when asking questions.

Exaggerated tone will mislead the child, make him think that this is just a game, and deliberately make the wrong choice to prolong the game time; Of course, you can't show anger, which will make children feel uncomfortable and stimulate their negative psychology. As long as the child feels that there is no hatred in his mother's heart, it will never make his mother unhappy.

The mother later told me that when she asked the second question, the problem was solved and it was very effective.

I have met some "hopeless" children, which really makes people feel very difficult.

However, if we have a deeper understanding of their family life, we will always find that the root cause lies in their parents' stubbornness.

Many parents can give their lives for their children, but they refuse to put down their ideas in front of them. If someone tells him that it is his parents who want to change, he will feel offended, angered and very angry.

They love their own ideas more than their children, and children are gradually crushed by psychology in such repeated "surrenders". Without reading or other thought teachers to support the growth of their spiritual tree, their thoughts will gradually shrink or become abnormal, and their way of thinking will gradually become deformed.

Children who grow up in this kind of family will lose interest in listening first.

Develop a defensive psychology superior to ordinary people and produce "rational immunity" at the same time. Even if this truth itself is reasonable, he instinctively rejects it, and may even have serious moral immunity;

Secondly, the sense of independence is lost.

Can't think frankly and deeply about one thing, lose normal judgment, and have shallow and mediocre thinking;

Third, the mentality has become harsh.

They are not interested in understanding others, but only care about how to conquer each other with their own views and gain the upper hand. Such people are very common in life. They hardly agree with "others" and almost never hold the same view on one thing.

Some people say not to abuse drugs, but they also say that they still have to take medicine when they are sick, and they can't generalize;

Some people say that children can't fight and should be respected. He said that children are different from children, and some children need to fight.

Some people even say that women over the age of 60 are not suitable for wearing high heels, and they are prone to sprains or falls. He will also express his opinion that old people who don't wear high heels will fall and sprain. ...

In my hometown, people who prefer to wrangle are called "shack origin". On the surface, these people always talk in two, which is comprehensive and objective. In fact, they only have two opinions: yours and mine. The former is always wrong and the latter is always right.

In fact, the speculative power of "people born in bars" is particularly weak, because their energy cannot be used for sincere speculation, mainly because they constantly resist other people's words, and their lives are often spent in such unreasonable consumption.

And this kind of psychology, if you don't know it, will lead to bad habits passed down from generation to generation through words and deeds.